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An Ode to the Fratio

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Gone are the frigid days of winter, where the only thing gracing the Frat Castle’s front porch are empty beer cans, cigarette butts, and the occasional drunk girl sobbing on her phone. Spring has sprung, and that means all fraternity men will be spending every moment they can on The Fratio.

What compels the fraternity man to sit outside on his front porch for hours on end, drinking, blaring music, playing catch, and shouting at sorostitutes like drunken, charming construction workers? Is it the weather? Yes. Is it because we love to toss around the football? Yes. But more than those it’s the opportunity to show everybody who we are and what we do.

Rarely does the outsider get to see a fraternity man in action. We have secret rituals, closed parties, and we basically lock down our own bars. We may be around campus every day, and we definitely stand out, but we hardly make a scene (pledge humiliation excluded). However out on the fratio any GDI can drive their Prius by and see the fraternity man in true form.

There are a few simple but key ingredients to the perfect fratio experience. These ingredients are as follows: the adequate music, activities, and frattire.

Music is the first fratio ingredient. Any time you have a collection of dudes on the front porch with no music, it can be confused with some sort of weird nature meeting. We need to let all of Greek Town, and the whole campus, know that we are raging. A wide variety of music is acceptable — a wider variety than the traditional party. Of course any current rap is acceptable, as is country and classic rock. However at a quality fratio day drink session cheesy pop can be acceptably sprinkled in. You can’t go wrong with frat classics like Dave Matthews either. The only binding rule is that the songs must be recognizable. We aren’t fucking hipsters that are trying to prove our musical taste (and sadly, self worth) by playing obscure music. Keep it mainstream or classic.

The next ingredient of a perfect fratio is the activities. A good old game of pigskin is a must. Play some 3 on 3 if you have room or just toss it back and forth. Frisbees have been seen on or near the fratio and can be a tough call. My thoughts are that you’re only allowed one at a time, but NO PLAYING ULTIMATE like some fucking GDI rec league. Don’t be afraid to get creative with the lawn games either. Bust out a croquet set, practice cornhole for tailgate season, maybe even play some volleyball. A slip and slide is also a quality fratio activity and a brilliant way to lure some sorostitutes to come over, take their clothes off, and get wet. I’ve even seen fratio ping-pong. The best part about fratio activities is that they are in no way mandatory. All you need is a couple of couches from the formal room and a 2+ brothers and you’re set.

The final aspect might be the most controversial of any given fratio, and that is the frattire. Some normal fraternity clothing rules do not apply. Opt for the Nikes instead of the Sperrys for the football game. If you can play in Sperrys, more power to you. Shirts aren’t required, but make sure atleast 40% of fratio participants are wearing shirts, any less than that and shit just gets weird. Don’t forget the Costas and Croakies, of course. Jerseys are strongly encouraged, especially if you have an NBA jersey from the Jordan era. But remember, wearing a jersey doesn’t make you play any better. That’s what the Asian basketball players at the rec haven’t figured out. Of course the most important part of any fratio attire is a red solo cup full of booze. The red solo cup could technically be its own category, but since just about everyone on the fratio has one it might as well be considered the most popular accessory. Fill that cup with whatever you damn well feel like: beer, margaritas, leftover jungle juice, summer brew, whatever. It doesn’t matter, just fill that damn cup.

I’m so glad it’s spring. Now get off your fucking computer and enjoy the weather.

Follow me on Twitter @MizzouFratBoy

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