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An Obituary For Your Boy Who Just Entered A Monogamous Relationship

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Obit For Your Boy Who Entered A Monogamous Relationship

Our good friend, Kenneth Smart, was called home by the Lord, err his girlfriend, on Friday, April 17th, 2015. It’s a sad day for all of the brothers here. The good ones always seem to die so young. Born on February 26th, 1993, to Linda and Jim Smart, Kenneth was a gentleman and a scholar who touched the hearts, and often times, vaginas, of all the hot females who knew him.

Affectionately known as Notso by many of his friends (because he was not so smart), he was an accounting major by trade, a card shark, and the best white dancer this town has seen since Party Pat. He also enjoyed hazing the pledges when they were being little shits, and proudly displayed the paddle he got back in the fall 2013. There are still some marks from the time he glued a bottle cap to it.

He was perpetually known as the worst wingman in the history of all wingmen due to his selfish nature and desire to plow anything and everything that came his way. We loved and hated him for it. Many of us will never forget the night of the flight attendant in white pants. This was at the very early stages of Kenneth’s relationship with Sarah. We all could see where it was going and were desperately encouraging him not to get tied down. Kenneth, Derek, and I were at one of our favorite watering holes back home in Dallas: Katy Trail Ice House. It is known for great Texas food, music, beer, and women. We were getting a few drinks at the bar while we were waiting for our table. Two of very attractive ladies were standing to our left, and one of them came over and started talking to Kenneth. Derek and I began chatting up the other one, when their third friend came back from the restroom and all conversation stopped.

We all have a fondness for women in white pants. No one knows why it has such an effect on us, but it instantly adds one or two points on the hotness scale. This chick was wearing white pants, but even without them could be considered one of the hottest girls I have ever seen in real life. She was in town visiting her friends. We invited them to have dinner with us, and somehow as Derek and I were jockeying for position to sit next to White Pants, Kenneth swooped in and took the seat next to her. Derek and I knew that was game, set, match for us with her.

We ended up having to wing for the guy who was supposed to be our wingman for the rest of the night. We were happy to do it though, since we did not want things to go any further between Kenneth and Sarah. After successfully closing down the bars later that night and exchanging numbers with the friends, Derek and I were planning our route to our favorite late night pizza spot when we saw Kenneth get in the cab with White Pants. Mission accomplished. That lucky SOB was going home with one of the hottest girls we had ever seen. That was the end of Kenneth and Sarah as we know it, or so we thought. 30 minutes later, Kenneth came stumbling into the pizza place. Apparently he went back to her hotel, walked her to the door, gave her a kiss on the cheek, and went on his way. We knew right then and there he was lost to us. Sarah had won and we were about to lose him forever.

There are many stories just like this one from Notso’s life. Like the time he managed to hook up with Derek’s sister on bid day. They say that the good times never last, but the memories always will. Unfortunately for us, Kenneth is gone now. I’d like to say he’s in a better place, but I cannot in good conscience say that.

Kenneth is survived by his 40-man pledge class, including Derek, whom he drunkenly left in Tijuana on spring break. Derek will never forget his role in the donkey show, nor will he forget young Kenneth.

A mass of brotherhood burial will be held at 1:00 a.m. this Saturday at the Blind Pig Pub, 317 E 6th St, Austin, TX. Family and friends are asked to go directly to the bar upstairs where they will be met with a beer and a shot in commemoration of Kenneth. There will be no calling hours — unless you’re calling for prostitutes or drugs.

In lieu of flowers, donations of beer, whiskey shots, cocaine, and strippers can be made to the brothers of the house. Really, we need it. We lost a good one.

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The Therapist

Not a licensed therapist, but that doesn't stop me anyway.

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