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(*It is the beginning of fall semester. A new pledge class stands in the basement for their first lineup. In front of them stands their ominous, rage-aholic, devoid of empathy pledge trainer. He is holding a three-quarters empty fifth of whiskey and is blackout drunk.*)
Pledge Trainer: Look at you, who THE FUCK gave you chair humping RETARDS a goddamn bid? I swear to fucking God, someone needs to take the rush chair out back and shoot him.
Try Hard Pledge: Agreed, sir! We are all giant pieces of shit, sir! I contemplate suicide every night before I fall asleep, sir!
Pledge Trainer: What?
Try Hard Pledge: Sir, I’m just reaffirming my worthlessness to you, sir! I often wonder why God even bothered blessing me with life, sir! Maybe there isn’t a God, sir! That might explain it my meaningless existence, sir!
Pledge Trainer: Shut the fuck up!
Try Hard Pledge: Yes sir!
Pledge Trainer: I’ve seen some dumbass pledge classes in my day. Motherfuckers that looked and sounded like their moms were doing lines of coke off the boners that got ‘em pregnant.
Try Hard Pledge: Sir, I asked my mother if she ingested alcohol or narcotics while pregnant with me, due to my slow comprehension, stupid face, and general dumbassery, sir, but she denied it, sir! That said I think she may be lying, as drug addicts generally aren’t trustworthy, sir!
Pledge Trainer: I thought I told you to shut up!
Try Hard Pledge: Sorry sir.
Pledge Trainer: Anyway, like I was saying, I’ve seen some fucked up pledge classes, but this one is BY FAR the worst! Y’all don’t even look like you were born! You look like your dads busted an eight roper on a truck stop restroom floor after getting sucked off by a diseased hooker and then that bubbling PUDDLE OF JIZZ Alex Mack’d itself into a real live baby boy!
Try Hard Pledge: Yes sir! That probably explains it sir! We’re all worthless puddles of jizz come to life through some strange and unfortunate metamorphosis, sir! Thank you for fully illustrating how pointless my life is by perfectly explaining its disgusting and regrettable genesis as a diseased pool of my father’s discarded seed that punished the world by willing itself into a human existence, sir.
Pledge Trainer: The FUCK is wrong with you!?!
Try Hard Pledge: Sir, I’m just agreeing with you, sir. I know as an active that you are correct in everything you say, and that as a pledge my life is worth less than the piss on the bottom of your shoes, let alone the shoes themselves, which appear to be a very expensive pair of Sperrys. May I compliment you sir on your excellent and most frat shoe choice, sir!
Pledge Trainer: NO! Stop fucking talking you weirdo.
Try Hard Pledge: Yes sir! My compliments are meaningless anyway, as my opinion is worth less than that of Rachel Maddow’s, whose existence I only recently discovered, but already loathe.
Pledge Trainer: (to himself) Holy shit, this fucking kid.
Try Hard Pledge: Sir! May I make a suggestion as to how to proceed, even though I know that the very fact that the suggestion is coming from me makes it worthless.
Pledge Trainer: Fine, what?
Try Hard Pledge: Sir, I fashioned this paddle out of wood from cherry trees, the kind George Washington chopped down, sir. The frattest kind, sir! I made it before I came to school. It would be my honor as your most humble worthless bitch if you would paddle myself and all of my honorable pledge brothers with it, sir!
Pledge 1: Speak for yourself, asshole!
(*Try Hard Pledge pulls out a paddle from behind him and hands it to the Pledge Trainer*)
Pledge Trainer: Does this have nails in it!?!
Try Hard Pledge: Yes sir! Rusty nails sir! Probably the kind that will give us all tetanus. I pulled them out of old flooring from a haunted house that I then burned down and pissed on the ashes of, in the hopes that it would anger the spirits and they would haunt this paddle, which contains the only physical remnants of their home. Also, I then took the paddle to various Porta-Potties at summer carnivals and constructions sites and let it marinate in the fecal and urine mixture for a few days before fishing it out, so that the nails and paddle would be soaked through with hepatitis and God knows what else, sir! It would be my honor if you would paddle me with it, sir!
(*Try Hard Pledge turns around and bends over*)
Pledge Trainer: Dude, I’m not hitting you with this you sick fuck.
Try Hard Pledge: Yes sir, I knew it was a stupid idea, sir! I will accept any punishment, sir! Would you like to take a dump in my bed and make me sleep in it, sir!
Pledge Trainer: Alright, alright, you’re taking all the fun out of this. You need to lock it up a little bit. What’s your name?
Try Hard Pledge: Pledge, sir!
Pledge Trainer: (rolls his eyes) No, your real name.
Try Hard Pledge: Sir, this summer I had my name legally changed to “Pledge,” sir! I tried to change it to “Pledge Faggot,” but the judge wouldn’t allow it, sir. That judge was NF, sir!
Pledge Trainer: Yeah, you’re getting blackballed.
Try Hard Pledge: I agree with your assessment, sir! I am worthless and do not deserve this brotherhood, sir!
Pledge Trainer: I know. Get out. You’re done.
Try Hard Pledge: (whimpers, tears up): Wait, what? Really? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!