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An Interaction Between Kristen Saban and Rebecca Martinson, There Are No Survivors

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(*Rebecca Martinson stands in line at Starbucks. The line is moving slowly thanks to an incompetent, portly, female Barista. Rebecca is frustrated.*)

Rebecca: (to herself) You gotta be fuckin’ kidding me. Speed it up, Pillsbury Dough-bitch.

(*Finally, the barista is ready to take Rebecca’s order*)

Barista: What can I get you today?

Rebecca: A venti skinny caramel latte, no whip, extra shot of espresso.

Barista: We’re actually out of caramel, sorry.

Rebecca: I just waited in line for ten fuckin’ minutes. How in the fuck are you out of fucking caramel? Are you fucking kidding me? You are FUCKING UP! Give me my MOTHERFUCKING venti skinny caramel latte!

Barista: We can’t make you a venti skinny caramel latte, we’re out of caramel.

Rebecca: You look like you’re out of “skinny” too, you haggard AXE WOUND! I want caramel in my skinny venti latte. I do not give a FUCK if you have to go across the street to the convenience store, buy a pack of FUCKING ROLLOS, and dig out the caramel. You will get me my FUCKING CARAMEL or I will grow a throbbing cock, jump over that counter, and violate every one of your fat rolls with it. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, YOU HEAVING, SWEATY SET OF UNUSED FUCK HOLES????

(*An Old Woman standing behind Rebecca is horrified*)

Old Woman: Young lady! That language is terrible. You should be ashamed!

(*Rebecca whips around*)

Rebecca: Stay out of it you old slut! You open your mouth again and I will shatter your old, grey bush with my right leg.

Old Woman: How dare you! Apologize immediately!

Rebecca: FUCK YOU!

(*Rebecca picks up the Old Woman by her hips*)

Old Woman: (*terrified*) What are you doing!?!

(*Rebecca lets out a primal scream, rears back her right leg, drops the Old Woman, and unleashes a fearsome kick, right into the Old Woman’s groin. The Old Woman flies backward into the wall. She dies instantly*)


(*The other customers gasp in horror. They flee the store*)


(*Rebecca turns back to the counter. The Barista, as well as everyone else in the store, has fled. Rebecca shrugs and starts to leave. Suddenly, an unnatural gust of wind kicks up*)

Rebecca (CONT): What the fuck?

(*A fiery wormhole opens in front of Rebecca. An evil, female laugh echoes through the Starbucks. Suddenly, Kristen Saban emerges from the wormhole, floating over the lifeless corpse of the Old Woman*)

Kristen: AHAHAHA! Another soul for my collection.

(*Kristen spreads her legs. An unholy light shines from betwixt them. All of the sudden we hear the echoing groans of the Old Woman. The light sucks the Old Woman’s soul out of her body, sucking it into and imprisoning it within Kristen’s unholy snizz.*)

Old Woman’s Soul: (Distant) Noooooooooooooooooo!

(*Kristen’s eyes roll back into her head with pleasure*)

Kristen: Her innocence tingles.

Rebecca: (Disgusted) What’d you shove a fuckin’ Maglite up there, you sick bitch?

(*Kristen’s evil snizz light extinguishes. She lets out an evil screech*)


Rebecca: Disrespect? Who the fuck do you think you are? Newsflash bitch: I don’t fucking know you, and even though you might think you’re important, no one fucking cares about you or your beat fucking face. It looks like the doctor dick slapped you when you were born and then threw you in a dumpster.

Kristen: No one likes you! You don’t have any friends!

Rebecca: Bitch, you don’t even know me.

Kristen: What is your name, mortal?

Rebecca: Rebecca Martinson.

Kristen: MARTINSON!?! I do know you. Your temper is famous. I was impressed by your email, as was my father. He contemplated using you as a motivational speaker.

Rebecca: Great. File that under “Things I Don’t Give a Fucking Shit About.” You can put it in there with all your hopes and dreams, and whether or not you live or die. Then, after you stick it in the file cabinet, shove your head in there and slam the fucking drawer until you stop breathing.

Kristen: ENOUGH! You’re a fucking bitch and I’ve had enough. You and I are having it out. Right. Fucking. Here!

(*A Woman and her small Papillon dog walk into the Starbucks*)

Woman: Is this Starbucks closed?

(*Kristen turns to the Woman, opens her legs, and sucks the Woman’s soul clean out of her mouth and in into her cursed snatch. The Papillon starts to bark. Kristen swoops down, unhinges her jaw, and devours it whole*)

Rebecca: Jesus Christ. That’s quite a face hole you got there. What’s your record for shoving hobo cocks in it? Like 50?


(*An unholy wind once again kicks up. There is a loud thunderclap and a burst of flames. Where there was once nothing, the Prince of Darkness, father of Kristen, Nick Saban, now stands.*)

Saban: Kristen, darlin’. Be careful. The hate is strong in that one.

Kristen: Daddy OHMYGOD! You always check in whenever I’m doing something evil! I’m an adult I can swallow souls and kill bitches without you butting in every other minute!

Saban: I’m just sayin’ puddin’, this ain’t one of your scared little sorority sisters. This bitch is pretty fuckin’ crazy. I mean, she did kick an old woman in the vagina right before you showed up. It killed her.

Kristen: Yeah, and now that old woman’s soul is trapped in MY vagina. So who’s really the evilest? It’s like you don’t even listen!

Saban: Just be careful.


Saban: Okay, okay. See ya at dinner.

Kristen: I want Chinese.

Saban: Sure thing sweetie, I’ll go grab some abandoned Chinese babies from a Manchurian hillside. Love you.

Kristen: (rolling her eyes) Love you, too.

(*With that, Nick Saban disappears in another burst of flames*)

Rebecca: (flatly) Tell your dad that sun hat he was wearing made him look like a faggot.

Kristen: TIME TO DIE!

(*Kristen lets out an unholy screech, so powerful that the sound waves are actually visible. All the glass in the Starbucks shatters. Summoning a previously unknown strength from deep within her own black soul, Rebecca lets out a screech of equal magnitude, also creating visible sound waves. The sound waves collide, and reverberating so powerfully that the very fabric of existence begins to rumble.*)

(*Momentarily weakened, Kristen’s steel trap soul prison vagina loosens its grip, and souls begin to leak out and surround the two girls, who are trapped within their own sound waves. It’s sort of like the end of Harry Potter 4, except the souls are coming from Kristen Saban’s evil box instead of the end of a wand.*)

(*The Old Woman’s soul lands next to Rebecca and whispers into her ear*)

Old Woman’s Soul: (echoing softly) Punt her cunt. Her power comes from the souls within. Destroy her cunt and you will destroy her. Punt her cunt.

Rebecca: Shut the fuck up you old dead bitch, er, sorry, I mean thanks. And sorry for murdering you.

Old Woman’s Soul: It’s okay, I had a pretty mean case of Alzheimer’s. I had actually wandered in here assuming it was the pharmacy. When I tell you, attack.

(*Rebecca nods*)

Old Woman’s Soul (CONT): Okay, I guess just do it now. GO!

(*Rebecca breaks free from she and Kristen’s stalemate and leaps straight forward. With a swift and mighty kick, she connects foot to snizz. Kristen’s breath is taken away. The light in her box begins to intensify. Kristen quickly begins to implode into her snatch. As she does, she screams*)


(*Kristen collapses into her vagina, into nothingness. A shock wave shoots out from the collapse, knocking Rebecca onto her back. Everything is still, quiet*)

Rebecca: Fucking bitch. This is all that fat bitch’s fault for not having caramel. Fuck this, I’m emailing Starbucks. This is bullshit.

(*Rebecca gets up and casually strolls out, leaving behind two dead bodies and a completely destroyed Starbucks.*)

h/t to @captainmorganm for the idea.

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