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An Hour by Hour Analysis of Guys’ and Girls’ 21st Birthdays

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6:00 PM

Guys: Awake from mid-afternoon nap, still feeling effects of the previous night’s hangover. Crack open first beer while still in bed, drink until head stops throbbing. Remember assignment due tomorrow, shrug and conclude “We can drop one of the quizzes, right?”

Girls: Return home after several hours of class and an extended library visit. Send mass text to sisters, have mild panic attack over preparations of the night ahead. Freak out if everything isn’t exactly the way they want it to be. Set alarm for tomorrow morning’s 8 AM class.

7:00 PM

Guys: Enjoy mildly buzzed state. Make brief lap around fraternity house, calling everyone who isn’t going out a “raging thunder cunt.” Shovel leftover Chicken Parm into gullet. Drop an excruciating pre-party deuce.

Girls: Begin getting ready for the night ahead. Take obnoxiously long shower with several “check my text messages” breaks intermittently spread throughout. Shave entire body, and have mild argument with a sister over which fraternity will have the best pregame.

8:00 PM

Guys: Take 6 minute shower, with beer in hand. Mix first liquor drink, chug, then mix second liquor drink. Take random shots offered by fraternity brothers. Pick shirt to wear. Pick shorts to wear. Preparations complete.

Girls: Figure out how to do her hair. Pick dress to wear, change mind, pick another dress. Worry about way boobs look in second dress. Change mind again, settle on third dress. Re-do hair to match third dress. Spend 15 minutes staring at shoes. Make difficult choice between three pairs that look almost identical.

9:00 PM

Guys: Spill beer on shirt. Spend grand total of 5 seconds selecting a new one. Text several attractive girls in contacts list, making sure they know it’s your birthday. Piss outside while double-fisting. End all arguments with “Fuck you, it’s my mother fucking birthday.”

Girls: Pre pregame with sisters, with single bottle of wine. Take extreme caution drinking to not spill on dress. Talk about boy problems. Receive 21st birthday sign, take 60 consecutive pictures posing with it. Ensure that every photo has you on your “good side.”

10:00 PM

Guys: Perpetual frat lap during pregame party. Take several shots before even knowing what their ingredients are. Stumble into brother’s laptop, knocking it to the ground. Apologize by saying “My bad dude, but it is my fucking birthday.”

Girls: Arrive at fraternity pregame, take more pictures. Select picture where your tits look the most perky. Have mini personal crisis deciding between the “Earlybird” or “Sierra” Instagram filters. Ask boys to slap your ass to complete #19 on your sign. Complete #19 on your sign in less than five minutes. Chug Franzia boxed wine.

11:00 PM

Guys: Argue with girls about why you can’t seem to remember their names. Walk away while saying “Whatever you say, Tiffany” to a girl named Sarah. Investigate pre-bar crawl blowjob prospects. Spend 20 minutes cemented to Upside-Down Margarita chair.

Girls: Complete various sign-related challenges in fraternity house. Begin to feel tipsy after third Kamikaze shot. Stutter occasionally. Have unreasonably large smile on face. Evaluate future shacking opportunities, discuss with sorority sisters. Giggle with small group of girls.

12:00 AM

Guys: Organize a party-wide shotgun at the stroke of midnight. Lead group in a drunken stumble to the nearby bars. Take first Four Horsemen shot. Forget your own middle name. Sneakily puke chunks of Chicken Parm into trash can in corner of bar. Receive Rumpleminze shot. Gag as you taste the Christmas from Hell in liquid form.

Girls: Arrive at bar, and ensure that every single other guest knows it’s your birthday. Complete embarrassing sign challenges, call 21st person in phone, and text your mother that you love her. Receive endless stream of sweet and fruity shots. Try to stand on barstool. Fall off of barstool.

1:00 AM

Guys: Make out session with random girl in bar. Get called over for another shot. Completely forget about random makeout girl’s existence. Find new girl with larger breasts and resume tonsil hockey. Lead bar into singing “Proud to be an American,” despite the fact that some other song is playing.

Girls: Spend an exponential amount of time hugging everyone you see. Cry with sisters in the bathroom because “We’re getting so oldddddddddd.” Text message six different guys in phone, asking “Wharter u uip to tomight?”

2:00 AM

Guys: Receive 1-5 more shots as soon as last call is announced. Grab large breasted girl on the arm, and ask in a slurring voice “Wherewe*hic*gointonight?” Cross street and almost get hit by pickup truck. Meet pledge ride, curse him out for taking longer than 30 seconds.

Girls: Get carried home by sorority sisters. Maintain consciousness long enough to read text message responses from guys. Get phone taken away by sisters insisting “You just need to get home.”

3:00 AM

Guys: Attempt to titty fuck large breasted girl. Successfully titty fuck large breasted girl. Fake sleep without returning the favor, after suggesting that she leave immediately. Turn off alarm for morning class. Fall asleep triumphantly.

Girls: Get tucked into bed by sorority sisters while repeatedly saying “I fuggin love you guys.” Wait until they leave and text guy from earlier saying “Cum pick me ujp.” Give extremely sloppy blowjob. Fall asleep in dress.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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