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Brothers of Delta,
On behalf of the Lambdas, I just wanted to express our sincere gratitude for letting us borrow your lawn mower today. As we explained to you before, ours broke down and we have an important house event coming up this weekend that we had to have the house in tip-top shape for.
Your generosity saved us big time, as we didn’t have the time to have our mower repaired before our event. The place looks great now, all thanks to you guys. Great neighbors. Can we call you “Our brothers from other mothers”…? Haha just playing, but really, that was very gracious of you.
It’s great to know that even though we don’t always get along, we’re able to set aside our differences and act neighborly toward each other.
“Express our sincere gratitude”…seriously, who talks like that? You put gas back in it?
You bet we did! I just checked with the pledge who mowed our grass. He told me he filled it up. He even topped it off with some motor oil because he noticed it was a little low. Haha, the kid’s got a bright future. Very diligent.
He also told me about a beautiful labrador you guys had in the back yard. I love dogs, especially labs. The All-American dog is what I say. Is he trained to retrieve birds?
When your pledge was over here picking up the mower, I didn’t know whether to haze him within an inch of his life or keep my cornhole facing away from him. He looked like some kind of horny little inbred pedophiliac-in-the-making with a touch of the gay. I had to be physically restrained from accosting him and hanging him from our basketball goal by his belt. Fucking weirdo. You call that a pledge?
And of course my dog retrieves birds. SHE is very good at it, too. She’s a she. My dog’s a girl. Your pledge must wish every living creature had a penis. Am I right? Sick fuck.
Side note: I was in class when one of our JIs (a legacy that I’d like to push off a cliff) gave you guys permission to use our lawn mower. I wasn’t happy about it.
Side note #2: If I see any one of you perverts near my purebred lab again, especially that creepy pledge you sent over here, I’m going to uproot that historic oak tree in your front yard.
Hahaha, yeah I know. Worst pledge class ever!!! Fuckin’ pledges, right? Worthless little bastards. LOL.
– Your neighbor
I couldn’t be more serious right now.
My father runs a construction company — lots of site work and excavation to be exact. One of their job sites is only a couple miles from here, just on the outskirts of town. They are currently clearing a bunch of land for a new upscale apartment complex going in. I have access to a backhoe. I could get it here before five o’clock today if I had to. I worked for his company three summers in a row during high school. I’m very efficient with big machinery. I could get this done really fast.
The only thing I’m unsure of his how to dispose of the tree. What is it, about six or seven feet in diameter? That’s a girthy son of a bitch, isn’t it? We sure could use a new back deck and our fall pledges still need a project assigned. Then again, that wood is likely tainted with that perv-creep fungus that seems to spread rampant in your house.
I may just decide to have it hauled away and run through a chipper. If you want me to do you a solid and knock out two birds with one wood chipper, I can throw your pledge in there, too. No pressure. Sleep on it.
– Delta #1
Okay, I tried to do this the right way, but you are taking this way too far. Man, what is wrong with you? It seems like you’re being serious. The lawn mower thing was generous and all, but I’m starting to wish we just bought a new one instead of hassling you.
You’re our rival. Go fuck yourself.