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An Excerpt from the Diary of a High School Fratstar

February 13, 2012

Today was the day. After a casual under-the-bleacher’s handy from Samantha, I rode my longboard home to a surprise. I got into State! In just a few short months I’ll be leaving all this bullshit behind and there will be so much pussy I’ll probably have to wade through it with an extra long pair of JNCO jean shorts.

February 15, 2012

Today I was talking to some friends about college and they mentioned something about frats. They showed me this website called TotalFratMove.com. Sounds fucking stupid, if I wanted to paddle the shit out of other guys I don’t think I would need a frat to do it. I don’t want to be one of those popped collar faggots.

February 16, 2012 (Morning)

Just spent the last few hours on TotalFratMove reading the top TFM’s. 46 pages of them actually… and the comments too. I just threw away all my Hollister and Volcom. I bitched out my mom until she agreed to take me down to the Polo and Brooks Brothers outlets. She was all pissed but I’m TFTC, she’s my slam now and she needs to understand how to act. Wait, am I using the term “slam” right? Whatever, I’m gonna be SO frat now.

February 16, 2012 (Evening)

Just came home with $600 worth of outlet quality clothes, now it’s time to get into the Total Frat Mindset. I’m gonna start an anonymous Twitter account tonight, not sure what to name it. I’m torn between @DixieSouthernFrat or @BowtiesPastelsSeersuckerFrathound. I wonder what the character limit is on Twitter account names. Either way, I’ve already got the sickest picture. Get this, it’s a zoom in of a pink bowtie… WITH DUCKS ON IT! So frat.

Fratuary 18, 2012

Haha, see what I did there with the month? Anyways, I’ve been really confused lately. I can’t decide if I’m #TeamBacon or #TeamDorn, so I just say I’m both in the comments. I have two different TFM accounts anyway. One to post TFMs and another one to comment on them and say they’re the tits and stuff. I’m so frat, one account couldn’t handle me haha! TFM TFTMFC.

Fratuary 20, 2012

At lunch I shotgunned a Dr. Pepper on top of a cafeteria table today. I had my friend Jeremy play Wagon Wheel on his iPhone while I did it. TFM. I didn’t spill a single drop on my Patagonia, like a fucking frat boss! I did get mustard on my Topsiders though. Oh well, TRUST FUND BITCHES (note to self: find out what a trust fund is) I’ll have a new pair by tomorrow.

Fratuary 21, 2012

My fucking geed-hippie-asshole History teacher gave me detention today because I wouldn’t take off my Costa 580’s in class. Well, that’s how it started at least. I also told him that Ronald Reagan would’ve buttfucked Hitler with a cruise missile and that Democrats smoked weed and lost us Vietnam. He got all angry and told me I was wrong so I shouted “Go Occupy Wall Street you drum circling hobo,” at him.

Fratuary 24, 2012

Going to a rager tonight!!!! My slam’s parents are out of town and she has a pool. It’s going to be JUST like Project X, except more hot bitches and less geeds. I’m getting a whole bottle of Jameson for MYSELF, and the only mixer I plan on using is ice cubes. TFFMISFIDGAF (Total Fucking Frat Move I’m So Frat I Don’t Give a Fuck). I’m going to tweet that tonight, maybe it will catch on? Maybe one of the TFM writers will RT me. I bet that’ll get me a sloppy beej straight up.

Fratuary 25, 2012

I literally won the party. First thing I had to do was yank that dumb little sorostitute-to-be’s iPod off the wall and put my playlist on. You KNOW I had Wagon Wheel play AT LEAST every 30 minutes. Also on the list? Piano Man. Sweet Home Alabama. Born in the USA. Nothing but the hits.

Next thing I knew, I had downs on the beer pong table, and I only missed twice. I lost count after awhile, but I estimate that me and Jeremy won around 23 games in a row last night.

Some geedy little slut asked me why I was wearing a visor at nighttime, so naturally I responded “Because I’m TFTC.” She laughed, because this was clearly hilarious, and kept looking at me like she wanted my dick all night. I totally would have closed too if I didn’t decide to go to sleep just a little early.

The crazy thing is that I’m pretty sure I drank my whole bottle of Jameson and probably didn’t spill or have any of it stolen at all and when I woke up I didn’t feel hungover one bit. I bet I’d even make a few frat guys jealous with my newfound beastly tolerance. It’s like the universe WANTS me to frat.

Fratuary 26, 2012

I wasn’t ready to call the weekend quits last night so after my parents went to sleep I polished off a shot from each of their liquor bottles. I figure they won’t catch me if I just have a little of each one. I got fucking WASTED and scrolled through all of the photos from last year’s TFM Spring Break contest. Fucking Tits-o-Rama. There were perky handfuls all over the place. I’m going to get all of the bitches when I’m an official fratstar at State next year.

I’ve already got them all over my sack on Twitter. 249 followers, and most of them have “Srat” in their username, so they must be fine as fuck. They keep tweeting at me too. They totally want my D. Because when a chick tweets at you more than four times that means she totally is interested in you.

OH FUCK! One of them just DM’d me her phone number. I am SO in… or I would be if I didn’t live in Florida and she lived in Arizona. Whatever, just proves that I’m so frat that slams want me from all over the country.

Fratuary 27, 2012

Uploaded a picture of the family dog wearing a bowtie on Twitter. Said that his name was “Dubya” even though his real name is NF… it’s fucking “Ned.” Still looks sick though, I can almost feel the spontaneous orgasms I’m giving my followers by showing them my fratty ass dog.

Fratuary 28, 2012

Finally got my pair of Lily Pulitzer print swim trunks in the mail. I can’t believe I used to wear that Hollister boardshort garbage, this diaper-bag print swimsuit is SO SICK. I wonder where I can get something shorter than a 4” inseam, I’m thinking I need to fratbronze my thighs a little more on a daily basis.

Heading to the golf course later today, never hit a ball in my life but it can’t be that hard, right? You just swing the fuck out of it and let that little bitch of a ball fly. I’m expecting at least 275 yard drives off the bat, can’t wait to break out the 2012 Masters visor.

Fratuary 29, 2012

GOIN’ TO MOTHER FUCKING STATE THIS WEEKEND!!!!!!! Jeremy’s older brother is cool with the one of the frats up there…Sigma something, I don’t remember. But we’re going this weekend to party and I can’t fucking wait!! Jeremy said last time he went he got a wicked blowjob on the staircase (TFTC) so I should AT LEAST be able to pull a threesome since I’m way more frat than his bitch ass. Not sure what to wear, but probably bringing a few of those fresh new Vineyard Vines bowties. I bet they wear that shit all the time.

March 4, 2012

What a fucking weekend. The Sigma Whatevers were drinking from the moment we got there and they were still going the moment we left. I got a few weird looks from some of them, but that must be just because they’re rushing me so hard, or want to haze me or something. Haha, once they got to know me I bet they thought I was WAY too cool to get hazed. They’d probably initiate me in like 2 weeks after seeing my chill/pull ratio.

So I’m still 17 and I couldn’t get to any of the bars but that didn’t mean I slowed down! I fratted through at least two cases by myself, and even though some of the girls didn’t believe I was a junior (SLUTS!) I totally got an over the pants handy from this girl with a huge ass and DD’s who was polishing off empties on the bar.

I totally forgot to take my shoes off when I passed out, so I woke up with vomit all over my chest. They totally got me bro, made me think it was me who threw up, but nah I’m a fucking TANK! Literally can’t wait to pledge next fall, I’m surprised they didn’t just give me a bid before I left.

I am a frat god. So stoked to get to State and spend my college days blacking out and laying some frat pipe. FaF.

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StuffFratPeopleLike

StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you’re all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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