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While sitting around the conference room table inside Grandex World Headquarters with laptops open, watching the final round of The Open, the discussion of athletes’ significant others came up. Adam Scott was on the screen and, without knowing what his significant other looked like, the consensus around the table was that she was undeniably at least a 9. She had to be.
Adam Scott is relatively young, rich, famous, a professional golfer, and, not that it matters much, a pretty good looking man. With his rise to fame, fortune, and golf’s elite, he has had ample time to upgrade his significant other several times over. My theory on this subject is essentially a no-brainer: As a professional athlete advances up the ranks in his respective sport, he’s expected to upgrade in the girlfriend or wifey department along with it.
Rickie Fowler knows what I’m talking about.
It turns out Adam Scott’s wife, if Google is to be believed, is just kinda alright for an elite athlete’s standards. Pretty plain, actually. Adam Scott is not abiding by the Rule of the Upgrade.
Seinfeld does a great job of applying this concept to a more relatable scenario. In the below scene, Elaine is dating someone who is studying to become a doctor. Once he achieves his goal and becomes one, jumping up one of life’s success echelons, he dumps Elaine because, as he explains, the dream of becoming a doctor is realized by dumping whoever you’re currently with to “find someone better.” The same principle applies to athletes.
Note: Yes, that’s Saul Goodman. Walter White (Bryan Cranston) also had a reoccurring role in Seinfeld as Dr. Tim Whatley.
So, when is it the right time for professional athletes to trade in that 5 for a 6, that 6 for a 7, and so on?
Turning pro is obviously the first milestone in an athlete’s professional career. Upgrade number one. You get drafted, earn your PGA Tour card, etc., she should already see it coming. If she expects that high school sweetheart thing to withstand the bright lights and rigors of a pro athlete’s life, she only has herself to blame. Awards shows, paid appearances, red carpets, ESPN cameramen showing her as you approach the 18th on Sunday while in position to win — these are her times to shine. You can’t be trotting Plain Jane out there for the world to see. It’s unbecoming. You don’t want to be walking off the 18th to kiss a wife that looks like every one of your friends’ moms that you grew up with. That’s amateur stuff.
Johnny Manziel knows what I’m talking about.
The next series of upgrades are to occur as you progress in your given sport. You need to feel these out, because there are no black and white guidelines here. When it feels like it’s time, it’s time. That season when you feel your game reach the next level? Maybe it’s time to upgrade. Set your career mark for most homeruns in a season? Maybe it’s time to upgrade. Win your first major? Maybe it’s time to upgrade. Sign a contract extension? Maybe it’s time to upgrade. Successfully hold out of training camp for more money? Maybe it’s time to upgrade.
Upon retirement, if the athlete has had a great career, he has to walk away from that podium at his announcement presser into the arms of a hard 10.
Derek Jeter knowns what I’m talking about.
Too many athletes don’t adhere to the Rule of the Upgrade, and it’s upsetting.
Bubba Watson’s wife looks like everyone’s least favorite middle school English teacher. Vince Wilfork’s wife looks like the type who will fight you in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Roger Federer’s wife looks like she drives a mean minivan carpool.
Good luck to Jordan Spieth’s girlfriend.
Dustin Johnson knows what I’m talking about.
By the way, I’m upgrading when I hit 50k Twitter followers, then again at 100k. I pretty much have to. Those are the next levels of internet fame. That’s the dream of gaining internet fame — to find hotter significant others as I elevate up the ranks. Everybody knows that. It’s why I got into the internet fame business. Everybody knows that, too..