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An Apology To The Patrons of Landwood Mall For *Accidentally* Mortally Wounding Your Mall Santa

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This letter is addressed to the patrons of Landwood Mall who witnessed, were directly involved in, or were tagged on Facebook when their friends shared the articles about the events that occurred on December 23rd, 2013. I am writing this letter of apology because I feel that I am at least partially responsible for every event that transpired that fateful day. I say partially because the investigations will probably last quite a while given the sheer amount of damage caused, and also because during the chaos of the afternoon, I managed to destroy all of the security footage. Therefore, at this current moment, no definitive list of suspects has been released, so I cannot say for certain that I am the sole party responsible for all that occurred.

My initial apology is for the circumstances by which I published this letter. I feel that I should explain why I decided to anonymously leak this letter on the internet. Given that I have not yet been officially implicated in the Lakewood Mall incident, I feel that implicating myself by sending this letter through more traditional means would be a tact-less move. If this decision on my part hollows my apologies at all I am also very sorry for that too.

First and foremost, relating to the incident, I would like to say I am very sorry to the mall Santa who was working that day. I am guessing that the last thing you wanted so close to the end of your seasonal job was to be injured by shrapnel from an exploding can of shaving cream, although I imagine that the aloe in the cream helped to sooth the pain from the burns of the scalding hot piece of metal that tore through your flesh, if only slightly.

My next apology would be to the children who had to watch Santa bleeding and burning on the floor of the mall. Innocence should be ruined in your teenage years, by older teenagers, not as small children who don’t yet understand the concept of death, while watching what they believe is a mythical being, a benevolent demigod who brings them presents, writhing on the floor in unspeakable pain brought on after frightening loud noises that resulted in a chaotic and unsettling scene. I am very sorry for that. I for one didn’t know that the battery-powered display hot-plate I stole from Bed, Bath, and Beyond was still functioning when I put the shaving cream, that I also stole, on top of it in my tin-foil lined shopping bag, which essentially turned the entire bag into a grenade.

I would also like to apologize to mall security for violently attacking them with my stolen hot-plate when they were trying to stop me from preforming CPR on Santa, in order to try and instill the value of helping others to the screaming children, who I suspect were not paying attention amidst their various mental breakdowns. I once trained in first aid and I was somewhat eager to apply my skills to show that regular people can be heroes too. The reason I attacked them was because I was already under quite a bit of stress (I am not used to preforming CPR in my underwear) and I thought that they were attempting to rape me. I misinterpreted “Stop! Why are you using your pants as a tourniquet? He doesn’t even need a tourniquet! Get off of him!” as a sexual advance on their part. That’s partially on me, but also partially on TGIFriday’s for over-serving me at their bar. Alcohol makes me do stupid things.

My fourth apology is for stealing the uniform from one of the officers I attacked and using it to sneak into the now-empty security room to destroy the video evidence. In smashing all of the electrical equipment and stealing the hard-drives where they kept the security footage I accidentally managed to set off the entire mall’s fire suppression system, soaking everyone in the mall from head to toe and destroying what surely was millions of dollars worth of merchandise. In this economy, no business deserves to take an unwarranted hit like that. That probably ruined a few people’s days, and I am very sorry.

Finally I would like to apologize for fleeing the scene. While I’m sure that everyone involved would have been able see past the incident, I had plans to drink with some of my old high school buddies later in that afternoon, and being questioned and possibly detained for my role in the incident would have prevented me from being able to partake in the merriment.

Once again, I’m really sorry for everything, even though I absolutely refuse to turn myself in. I have too much shit to do to go to jail.



P.S. Have a Happy New Year!

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JohnnyPSK (@MrJohnnyPSK) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. Johnny is a big man who attends a small school. He is currently dominating the fantasy football leagues that don't matter.

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