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This letter is addressed to the blonde woman I was hitting on (whose name escapes me), the friends of the blonde woman, the other patrons of the bar, and all others who witnessed the events of December 7th, 2013, or had the graphic pictures of those events shared with them. I am apologizing on behalf of the party responsible for said events, which, in a larger, cosmic sense, is all of us for promoting the “hook-up culture,” as it is referred to by people who don’t get laid ever. But in a much more real sense, I am referring to myself. I was that party.
My first apology is to the blonde woman, for lighting her hair on fire. I would like to apologize for accidentally throwing a lit match into your hair. I know that it was silly of me to not use an actual lighter to light our cigarettes, but in my defense, matches are cool. One of the reasons that matches are cool is because they catch fire, and fire is cool. However, due to events that I will not go into, I have a very rational fear of holding onto flaming objects, and after seeing that flame a mere inch from my finger, I panicked and threw it up into the air.
My second apology ties into my first, and it is directed to the couple that was behind the blonde woman, for also lighting them on fire in my attempt to extinguish the blonde woman’s hair. After the match landed on top of the blonde woman’s head I realized that her hair-spray could ignite at any second, and immediately reached for the nearest liquid to douse the flames. In my haste I did not realize that that the liquid I had grabbed was already on fire.
As a quick aside, I would like to admonish those patrons at the bar for ordering a flaming beverage, and also for the owner of Flaming Pete’s Tavern, for making their signature drink a flaming shot. Lighting things on fire can have serious consequences, as my whole ordeal has illustrated, and consuming things that are on fire is incredibly unsafe. Shame on you, Flaming Pete’s.
My fourth apology is to the bartender, whose attempts to extinguish both the blonde and the couple behind her, the couple I had just doused in liquor and flames, were made impossible by the altercation that I engaged in with the group of men who had just ordered the flaming shot. I was fairly certain that the group of men who had ordered a round of flaming shots would not take kindly to me grabbing their flaming shot and flinging it at the blonde woman’s head, so I preemptively attacked the weakest-looking member of the group, in order to more efficiently deal with the three, more intimidating-looking men.
My fifth apology is to the owner of Flaming Pete’s, for lighting your bar on fire. In my altercation with the group of men, I thought that it would be a good idea to use the other flaming shots as weapons. However, I was too drunk to throw straight, missed the men, and hit one of the other bartenders, who was preparing more flaming shots, which he subsequently spilled everywhere, spreading flames behind the bar. That’s on me.
My sixth apology is to the cop who arrested me, for hitting him in the balls. That was just out of line.
My final apology is to all other parties involved in this incident, for threatening to sue them for ruining my chances with the blonde woman. I will not be pursuing any sort of legal action. Out of respect for my generosity and understanding, I expect you all will do the same. Please.
P.S. – Seriously don’t sue me.