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An Alphabet Of Things That Offend People

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Social justice warriors are offended by EVERYTHING. Even if there’s a topic that you think is completely neutral and harmless, there’s a way for SJWs to make it offensive. Don’t believe me? Here are some perfect examples. This is the offensive alphabet, where an SJW can find something offensive about any word of any letter.

A- Apples

Hey, shitlord, everyone knows that apples are a symbol of white privilege. They are a clear symbol of our patriarchal, neurotypical, cisnormative society that benefits straight white males. If you eat apples, YOU. ARE. HITLER. End of story.

B- Bears

They say that if you see a bear you should “play dead,” which is extremely insulting to the intelligence of bears (and humans who identify as bears).

C- Crayons

Sure, there’s a crayon for every color, but why won’t Crayola acknowledge the fact that the white crayon has the most privilege? The heterosexual cisgendered white male crayon keeps on mansplaining to the beautiful, independent female-indentifying purple crayon with a liberal arts degree. Disgusting.

D- Dogs

When you walk into your friend’s house, and that friend has a dog, what does the dog do? It immediately sprints up to you and sniffs your crotch. There’s a term for that, do you know what it is? Sexual assault.

E- Emails

Hey douchebox, not everyone can afford a computer or a smartphone. Every single time you send or read an email, it’s a slap in the face to poor and disenfranchised Americans.

F- Farts

When you fart, it’s due to something you ate. Well guess what, not EVERYONE can afford food, you rich piece of shit. Whenever you fart, you’re using your asshole to brag about your privilege to poor people.

G- Grape

What does grape rhyme with? Take away the G. You do the math.

H- Hats

Hats go on your head, but not everyone has a head. When you wear a hat, you’re being insensitive to the decapitated community.

I- Intelligence

Not everyone has intelligence. Plus it’s a trivial trait that has been overvalued by the patriarchy as a way to discourage dumb people. All true SJWs have no intelligence.

J- Jokes

“Humor” is nothing but a tool invented by the patriarchy to oppress women. Every single “joke” ever uttered was specifically crafted to continue to uphold the patriarchy. No matter what the joke is. Why did the chicken cross the road? Unless it was to go a charity event for autistic non-binary genderfluid dwarfs in wheelchairs, I don’t care.

K- Kangaroos

Kangaroos hop, and hop rhymes with cop, and some cops are crooked. Kangaroos are the reason behind police brutality.

L- Love

Love was invented by the patriarchy to keep women down. It’s a concept that is used to force women to date (evil) men, force them into marriage, and then forces them into motherhood, and she is forced to raise a family and to contribute to capitalistic economy that benefits white men.

M- Milk

Did that cow ever give you CONSENT to milk it? Um yeah, I didn’t think so.

N- Naps

Sometimes when you nap you have nightmares, and we don’t have the technology to put trigger warnings in front of nightmares yet.

O- Oranges

Nothing rhymes with orange. You know who that affects? Rappers. This word ruins the careers of rappers. But then again, rap is sexist and it promotes violence. Okay, nevermind. I actually don’t know how to feel about this.

P- Pie

A woman making pie just enforces the old, sexist stereotype that women should stay in the kitchen. Plus, some women don’t even HAVE kitchens. Not everyone can afford kitchens, so they have to make pie in the bedroom. Have some empathy.

Q- Quizzes

Pop quizzes are a violation of human rights. So a teacher is just gonna give me a quiz I’m unprepared for without my consent? I didn’t have time to learn the material, I was up all night blogging on Tumblr about pie.

R- Ropes

Some people use ropes to hang themselves. If it weren’t for ropes we’d still have Robin Williams. Now, Kevin Hart will be the star of Jumanji 2. Kevin Hart is already in EVERY movie. Do we really need to give him another one?

S- Soap

It reinforces “clean privilege.” If you go to a job interview and you’re dirty and smelly, you don’t get the job. That’s bullshit.

T- Things

Every thing.

U- Unicycles

Unicycles kill people every single fucking day.

V- Vin Diesel

Vin Diesel shaves his head bald. Some people have cancer and they’re bald even though they don’t want to be. Every single Vin Diesel movie is a blatant insult to cancer patients everywhere.

W- Walking

Not everyone has legs. Check your able-bodied privilege, fuckface.

X- Xanax

Xanax makes you fall asleep. When you sleep you have nightmares. Go back to N for more details.

Y- You

Everything about you.

Z- Zoos

Harambe was killed in a zoo, and “Dicks Out For Harambe” is a sexist statement. Not everyone HAS a dick to pull out for Harambe.

Image via Shutterstock

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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