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The Winter Olympics are here and Team USA is off to a brilliant start. Although the majority of events are unwatchable, there are a handful of competitions worth catching if there isn’t a decent NBA or NCAA game on. My personal preference is any event that involves sending it, guns, or speeds in excess of 80 MPH. The other Olympics highlights are the weird sex stories that come out of the Olympic Village and the cringe-filled interviews that plague the podium. Most of the downtime between events is filled by the networks with heartfelt stories of triumph and overcoming obstacles to get to the world’s stage. I don’t care. At all. I want to see what happens when you combine a 17-year-old kid from Colorado and a network censor with an incredibly slow trigger finger. Enter Red Gerard.
Let’s track this world class athlete’s pre-Olympic event regimen. The night before the big day, you are going to want to make sure you get plenty of sleep. Red reportedly fell asleep watching Netflix. You should probably set multiple alarms to make sure you wake up on time. Red’s roommate had to wake him up after he overslept. For the big day, you should lay out everything you will need the night before to make sure you don’t forget anything important. Red, the Olympic snowboarder, couldn’t find his coat and had to borrow his roommate’s as he rushed out of the hotel. Classic.
Once he finally made his way to the snowboard slopestyle event, he was in dead last place going into the final round. Miraculously, he shot all the way to the top of the podium in the third round due to his “creative approach to the course.” I have to assume after being in last, he didn’t expect any place on the podium, let a lone a gold medal, and just went out there with no pressure on him. Then BOOM – gold. This is why I would argue his exclamation of “holy fuck” on live television was 1000% merited. Anything less from a teenage kid would have been completely unacceptable. The blame for the nation hearing this expression of joy falls squarely on the censor who must have been checking his/her Tinder on the clock. The live broadcast is on a delay for exact this reason. I have to believe someone was fired.
Red Gerard is the only Olympian who has ever inspired me. For someone to be able to oversleep after a night of Netflix, dick around until the last round, and still take home a gold at the highest global level makes me feel like less of a piece of shit. It gives me hope that I might one day wake up late and end up doing something historically significant. I mean, I won’t, but I’m always looking for new delusions of grandeur when it comes to my vision of the future. Thanks, Red..
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