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American Icons: Jeffrey Lebowski

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The Cohen Brothers’ cult classic The Big Lebowski is a respected staple of comedic cinema genius. The movie boasts several unforgettable characters such as Jesus Quintana, Walter Sobchak, and Theodore Donald “Donny” Kerabatsos, but the real star of the show is Jeffrey Lebowski. No, I’m not talking about the freeloading hippie they call “The Dude.” That guy is a leach on the taint of society. I’m talking about the real American icon, the war hero, the philanthropist, Jeffrey Lebowski.

He has received a key to the City of Pasadena, won the Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce Business Achiever Award, taken a picture with Nancy Reagan when she was first lady of the nation (not of California), and even met privately with Ronald Reagan himself, though unfortunately there wasn’t enough time for a photo opportunity. He’s also a trustee of the Lebowski Foundation, which sends inner-city children to college through the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers program. If that isn’t enough to earn your respect, consider the fact that Mr. Lebowski’s trophy wife, Bunny, gives $1,000 blowjobs.

I don’t know about you, but that seems like a reasonable rate for what is assumedly a high quality blowjob coming from a woman with cans like those. Of course, that unkempt dirty piece of life-wasting shit, The Dude, doesn’t have money to pay for a fucking haircut, much less a $1,000 mouth sweater. He doesn’t know what it means to earn an honest living, sacrifice the use of his legs for his country in Korea, or stretch his throat muscles with a man’s sex hose for a quick G-spot. Jeffrey Lebowski, however, knows exactly what kind of determination and ambition it takes to be successful in this life.

In closing, here are some quotations from American icon Jeffrey Lebowski as captions to pictures of his smokeshow trophy wife:

“I didn’t blame anyone for the loss of my legs. Some Chinaman took them from me in Korea, but I went out and achieved anyway.”

“I just want to understand this, sir. Every time a rug is micturated upon in this fair city, I have to compensate the owner?”

“What in God’s holy name are you blathering about?”

“Strong men also cry… strong men also cry.”

“Where is my goddamn money you bum?”

“Your revolution is over, Mr. Lebowski. Condolences. The bums lost. My advice is to do what your parents did: get a job, sir! The bums will always lose! Do you hear me, Lebowski? The bums will always lose!”

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