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American Icons: Bryce Harper

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”Clint Huggins, a Las Vegas High assistant and mathematics teacher, measured this one himself: A homer by Harper when he was a 15 year-old freshman, traveled over the right-field fence, two trees, a 20-foot embankment, five lanes of Hollywood Boulevard and up a sandy foothill — precisely 570 feet.” – Pittsburgh Post-Gazette


You see, the legend has been in the works for some time now. At the age when many of you were starting to get hair in weird places and trying to get control of your constant no-reason boners, Bryce Harper was making headlines with his bat and setting the legend in motion. His name is well-known among baseball fans. Even the casual “I’ll tune in when October starts” guy has at least heard of him. He’s the Lebron James of baseball prospects, and his time is upon us. Bryce Harper, the ballplayer, doesn’t have any equals among his peers. It’s the man behind the ballplayer, though, that takes him into another stratosphere. The guy has an attitude highly coveted in the fratting industry. He makes Australian party icon Corey Worthington look like an outspoken PETA activist. A rumor exists, albeit unsubstantiated, that says after a game as a high school freshman, in which he hit two bombs, he sexed the opposing coach’s wife. I don’t think I buy it, but it’s out there. If you don’t already know why this kid’s story is a must-know, you’re about to.

The 500+ ft. Bomb in High School

A 570 ft. blast for a high school freshman is an unfathomable feat. By comparison, the longest home run in the 2011 MLB Home Run Derby was 474 ft. by Prince Fielder. These are the greatest long ball hitters in the world, presumably, and they had a decade in age on the young Bryce. Yeah, I don’t get it either. The kid has man strength, and the torque his swing creates is absurd.

Can you imagine coaching the game when 15 year-old Harper puts that fucker over five lanes of traffic?

“What do you say now? Find a way to get on base. C’mon now, Johnny!”

Holy shit. Johnny is terrible. Bryce is on deck, though. Kid’s a goddamn freak. Johnny, you better get your ass on base.

Johnny gets walked.

“Alright. Way to go!”

Hell yes. Bryce is about to fuck this pitcher up. He has no idea what’s coming. Get into one, kid.

“Find your pitch now, Harp!”



Note: 570 ft. homerun coverage starts at 1:30

Left High School Early

Collegiate athletes regularly leave school early to play professionally. In some sports, namely baseball and basketball, high school graduates have the option of skipping college completely if they are one of the few fortunate ones able to jump immediately to their respective professional leagues. It’s rare for this to happen, and it takes some ridiculous athletic ability.

Now, have you ever heard of anyone leaving HIGH SCHOOL early to pursue a professional sports paycheck? Well, Bryce Goddamn Harper did, two years early actually. His reason for this was to accelerate his readiness for professional ball by playing a year with better competition. Also, he would be drafted a year earlier. By leaving high school, Harper was able to enter the 2010 draft as a 17 year-old. He was drafted #1 overall by the Washington Nationals.

“Yo Bryce, what do you have going on this summer, man? I can’t believe we’re gonna be juniors already!”

“Oh, I didn’t tell you? I won’t be here next year.”

“Huh? You transferring schools?”

“I’m playing ball at College of Southern Nevada.”

“The fuck?”

Harper’s final collegiate baseball game: 6-for-6 with four home runs and 10 RBIs

He’s Cocky

If there’s one thing Dorn admires in a dominant athlete, it’s cockiness. MJ had it. Tiger has it. And Bryce Harper has it in spades. He’s better than everyone around him, and he flaunts it. He also wears eye black that would grant him no-questions-asked backstage access at a Kiss concert.

Harper pulled off the only known pre-18 year-old professional baseball TFM ever. While rocking a disgusting “I’m better than you” mustache and a “fuck you” mohawk, he takes someone deep (someone much older than him mind you), pimps it, and sends him an air kiss after rounding third base.

Harper also plans on breaking his homerun distance record.

“Hopefully I’ll get bigger and stronger, have a better swing, and hopefully hit a ball about 600 feet.”

Before Harper further explodes on the scene and makes his big league debut, enjoy his tear through minor league ball. He was recently sent to Triple-A ball where the Nationals are grooming him to become a centerfielder. He’ll be up soon enough, and when he does, enjoy the show.

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Dillon Cheverere

Dillon Cheverere (@DCheverere) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email:

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