With summer now in full swing, odds are you’ll be vacationing at some point. A quick look at Instagram will show you that many of your friends are wandering around exotic locales, and the sad reality is that they’re terribly misguided to go across the world. This is because the country we call home has absolutely everything you could want to visit, and I’m here to prove that in the form of an exhaustive list. Here are some American alternatives to popular travel destinations around the world.
Instead of going to city of love, check out the City of Brotherly Love. You don’t even have to cross the Atlantic to visit a city that’s dirty, overrated, and has plenty of historical landmarks. What really propels Philly above Paris is the history around the American Revolution, which dramatically changed the course of world history. The French Revolution, on the other hand, took something like a hundred tries for the Parisians to get right. As for the Eiffel Tower, it would be less of an eyesore to see a group of homeless people Eiffel Towering someone on the streets of Philly. Seriously, the Eiffel Tower sucks. Nothing to write home about.
If you want to visit a place where every living thing has had thousands of years of evolution specifically geared toward murdering you, you might as well save money and go to Florida instead of making the agonizing flight around the world. Instead of the coastal cities of Sydney and Brisbane, try the somewhat safer Fort Lauderdale or West Palm Beach. You can grab a can of shitty Foster’s beer at either place, and in Florida you’ll be facing a smaller range of deadly creatures, such as the fucking cone snail.
If you step on one of those bastards, you’re dead within two hours. I’m good with just looking at pictures of Australia.
Destination: Swiss Alps
American Alternative: Rocky Mountains
The Swiss are known for being very prideful and can be high-strung, things that can also be said about the people of Colorado. With Colorado, you’ll at least be interacting with douchebags that speak English and accept U.S. dollars. The only bad thing about this is that the people of Colorado will mostly be saying things like “You guys ever shred Breck? I usually go to Vail, but it’s not as fun now that my daddy owns it.” I’ll call this one a tie.
Destination: New Delhi, India
American Alternative: Detroit, MI
Detroit has all the unpleasant urban squalor of the capital of India, but is not nearly as crowded due to a recent exodus of the population. Have fun.
American Alternative: Nebraska
Do you want to travel endlessly in a straight line through a near-featureless landscape that stretches beyond what your eyes can see? If so, skip out on the plane ticket and just drive to Nebraska instead. This will also give you an excuse to pop in an underrated Springsteen record: Nebraska. The Boss absolutely nails it.
American Alternative: Las Vegas
When it comes to cities that might one day be reclaimed by the desert around them, I would say that Vegas wins out here. It’s only a short flight or long drive away from most people, and is a place that seems to call you back after you think you’re sick of it. All the world’s vices are within easy grasp when you’re in Vegas, but they come at far better prices than you’ll find in Dubai. Also, Fremont street is a blast every time you go.
American Alternative: Portland, OR
Excellent golf, perpetual rain, and people with bad teeth? Just go to Portland..
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