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America: The Big Swinging Dick of the World. Part Deux.

America is the greatest country on Earth for many reasons. Democracy, freedom, sandwiches, sluts… but ultimately it comes down to the fact that we are the best at making other people dead. If life is a game, you can’t win it if you aren’t alive. That is the simple philosophy that fuels the badassery of the most effective fighting force this planet has ever seen.

AH-64 Apache

Despite an incredibly NF name, the Apache is by far the most tits helicopter on the planet. The Apache profile is one of the most ubiquitous shapes in military hardware. When people see an Apache, there are only two reactions. You either immediately get a raging red, white, and blue boner or your asshole begins to quiver with fear. It all depends on what side you’re on. When an Apache appears overhead, there is only the horny anticipation of a good gangbang or the fearful realization of a violent rape.

When it comes to firepower, the Apache dishes it out like Eazy E dished out AIDS to early 90’s video hoes. It’s got a 30mm chain gun and pylons on its wings that can be outfitted with several different types of freedom fireworks, including Hellfire missiles and Hydra rockets. The most technologically awesome thing about the Apache is the Target Acquisition and Designation Sights/Pilot Night Vision System, which are housed in the nose of the helicopter. The TADS/PNVS contains all sorts of crazy cameras, sensors, some infrared shit, and lasers, bitch! The whole thing is connected to the pilot through helmet mounted optical sights that track head movements. The M203 Chain gun is fully synched to the pilot’s helmet movements. The pilot simply looks out the window at something stupid that he wants to annihilate and the gun automatically points at it and shoots it to shit. If only Lockheed Martin and Boeing could figure out a way to hook my dick up to an optical targeting system. That way when I’m wasted, I wouldn’t piss all over the place so much.

M1 Abrams

Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of shit heads with AK-47s and pickup trucks more than an M1A1. Ever since WWI, tanks have been ruling the battlefield. The tank is a good gauge of the over all fitness of a military ground force. If you don’t have tanks or if the tanks you have suck balls, your country is probably a country that gets fucked with a lot. Tanks are critical for any modern war and the M1 is definitely the most badass. We ran a train on the Iraqi army in Desert Storm with this monster. The M1 is better, faster, stronger, and sexier than the shitty T-55s that Iraq sucked out of the Soviet Union’s limp dead cock. We were shooting those bitch tanks from 3 times the distance that they could engage us at. Even if they did hit our tanks, their shitty rounds couldn’t penetrate the Chobham composite armor of the M1. The armor has a really douchey name, but that’s just because the British invented it. Despite it’s questionable origins, the armor is incredibly awesome. It is made from ceramic materials, metals, carbon nanotubes, and voodoo. What it’s actually made of and how to make it is a secret. Whatever it is, Trojan should probably invest in it. If that shit can stop high velocity cannon rounds from miles away, it should have no problem stopping my nut armada from ravaging all of my hopes and dreams for the future.

B-2 Spirit

Stealth Bomber pledge sneaks into rival houses like a ninja and top shelfs the toilet in the girl’s bathroom. His identity is shrouded in secrecy and his methods are a mystery. He is only known by the massive upper deckers he leaves in his wake and the untold rumors of horror that circulate Sorority Row. But I digress, back to the B2.

The notorious Stealth Bomber. Everyone recognizes the menacing outline of the B-2. It’s a flying wing that carries huge bombs and is hard as hell to track with radar. At any given moment, America can penetrate deep behind enemy lines undetected and drop a 50,000-pound deuce right into the mouth of our sleeping enemy.

The beauty of the B2 is that it doesn’t leave a paper trail. When we bomb you with a B2, you won’t know it’s coming until it’s too late. No alarms will go off, no red phones will start ringing, and no launch codes will be given. One minute you’re staring blankly at an empty screen, idly masturbating in some backwoods radar station. The next minute you and everything you love (including your dick) melts and turns into carbon in a fraction of a second. One of the main reasons that the B2 is the scariest fucking thing ever created is because it can hold sixteen B83 nuclear bombs in its payload. The B83 is a 12 foot long, 1.2 megaton, nuclear butt fuck. It was designed with one sole purpose in mind: to completely and utterly destroy an entire civilization that threatens the American way of life.

That’s why America is FaF. If you fuck with us, we will black ball you from existence. In one swift moment, America can reformat your cultural hard drive and plunge your godless assholes back into the Stone Age. You’ll never see it coming and there will be no time for retaliation. If you fuck with America, you will die shamefully with your dick in your hand. We will simply carry on as usual… just being the biggest badass on the planet’s playground.

Part 3 coming soon. If you have any suggestions for military weapons/vehicles, leave them in the comments along with the usual trolling. I can’t promise Part 3 will come soon, or if it will even come at all. Sometimes I get an idea and I can go all night long. Other times I cum once or twice and pass the fuck out… Deal with it.

If you missed Part 1, check it out here

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RageTheory

RageTheory (@RageTheory) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. He enjoys long walks of whiskey and sodomy on the beach.

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