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America Is Cooler Than You, Canada

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Canada is like that lonely, quiet neighbor who pulls all the way into his garage and won’t get out of his station wagon until he shuts the garage door all the way in an effort to stay recluse. You don’t love that guy, but he doesn’t bother you, either. You think he’s a little odd, a little timid, but you have no real reason to dislike him. He’s just kinda there, doing his thing. You throw block parties and leave an invitation on his doorstep out of common, neighborly courtesy, but he doesn’t show. He never will. He does, however, peek through the blinds to check up on the rest of us, to see how we live.

Full disclosure here: I don’t hate Canada. I actually don’t even dislike or harbor an ounce of resentment toward Canada. That place seems okay to me, honestly, and there are some beautiful parts–I’m not lying when I say I really want to visit Banff. The people there seem friendly and welcoming.

On the other hand, the USA men’s hockey plays Canada on Friday for a shot in the gold medal game in the 2014 Sochi Olympics. So, on Friday, fuck you, Canada. I hate you. You’re not America.

I saw this photo posted in the TFM comments today. I’m not sure if the swan properly represents our neighbors to the north, but I still like it. It works. It’s funny.


Canada, you’re simply inferior to America, and in many ways. Here are some of them:

  1. It’s so damn cold up there, guys. It’s warmer down here. Sucks to suck.
  2. What’s up with all that flannel?
  3. There are parts of your country where the sun stays out for like days or weeks at a time. That’s stupid. Figure it out.
  4. This is funny to me because y’all are pale.
  5. The Biebs is from your country.
  6. Kate Upton’s boobs are from our country.
  7. Ninety percent of your country is uninhabitable. What’s that all about? What’s up with all that empty space, man? Y’all are so damn wasteful. I bet I could negotiate a deal for a nice spread in northern Canada for about 75 cents an acre. One thousand acres with mountainous views for $750? It sounds like a great deal, except it’s in Canada, so it’s a shitty deal. You know how much that shit costs in America? We can live in 99.9 percent of America, by the way. There are some swampy parts of Louisiana we’re not trying to fuck with. That’s pretty much it.
  8. Football up there sucks ass. Football here is the best shit ever.
  9. Do you nerds even play baseball?
  10. Ever heard of tailgating? Look it up. It’s fantastic.
  11. I’m 100 percent sure you guys only have sex in the missionary position.
  12. We invented missionary, by the way. You’re welcome.
  13. T.J. Oshie’s girlfriend is fine as hell, and she’s American.
  14. I don’t know a whole lot about your GDP, but I know America has enough cash in its wallet right now to buy you out. And we’re in a lot of debt.
  15. Marisa Miller is American.
  16. So is Brooklyn Decker.
  17. Your beer sucks.
  18. Your movie theaters pretty much just show American movies, don’t they? Shit’s weak.
  19. Who’s your favorite band right now? They’re not Canadian, are they? Weeeeak.
  20. There is no such thing as a Canadian restaurant, right? You just eat American food. Quit borrowing all our cool shit.
  21. And finally, Team USA is going to fuck your boys up in hockey tomorrow.

I do love me some Rachel McAdams, though. That’s one Canuck who I’d take out for some USDA prime. Then I’d never call her again.

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Dillon Cheverere

Dillon Cheverere (@DCheverere) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email:

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