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America Is An Ass Country

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The debate is over. Put up the banner. Call the match. It’s a knockout in the one hundredth round. You’re now living in an ass-loving country. Kim Kardashian’s newest spread didn’t “break the internet” as it promised, but it finally ended an age-old debate: that America likes ass more than tits. Just look at what happened on Twitter when that ass shot was released. At one point, it felt like people were trying to explain their climaxes in words. One dude used the word “moist” (gross). I got a text from a buddy that said, “Kim K just dropped DA THUNDER!” It was like the world was sitting in an old, rickety college basketball venue, and our best player dunked on a tall, lanky white guy. The crowd went wild and Kim stared maniacally as she flexed her muscles while screaming at her adoring fans. And you know what? I didn’t even look. I waited until I got home. I actually thought, “I need a bigger screen.”

I’ve opened expensive wine bottles quicker and with less thought than I put into this picture. And the reaction the next day to her full frontal? Not the same. Another buddy texted me, “Kim went frontal.” This guy didn’t even mention boobs or nipples or what type of earthy phenomena it brought to mind. He didn’t even put an exclamation point. If Kim’s ass shot was a hometown dunk, then her frontal was an away layup. This is how decisively this battle has been won. Ass startles us like a pounding burst of thunder and boobs just kind of happen. But how? This used to be a discussion. This used to matter. It’s a perfect storm.

Two words: Yoga pants. They pushed things over the edge. It’s a clothing option that every guy agrees is sexy. They accentuate every curve of a woman like they’re a 3D silhouette, and–this is ridiculous–it always feels like there’s a chance of vagina (every dude nods). But here’s the thing: girls don’t think of them as sexy. They wear them at the gym. They sweat in them. A girl wears them when she feels at her most utilitarian. So now we have an item of clothing that’s both sexy and untalkshitable. What does that mean? Low-cut shirts are great and we all love them. And chicks know that. There’s an effort of sexuality that girls look down on. It’s dumb but it’s the truth. If a girl walks into a dive bar with a shirt that shows off her boobs, other girls wonder things like, “How could she wear that here?” and “Whore.” There are only certain places a low-cut shirt is allowed by the pack. Yoga pants? Wear them to the dive bar. Wear them to the gym. Wear them on a plane. Wear them to the supermarket. Wear them while you’re at the supermarket while you’re on the phone talking about going to the gym but never will. No judgment. No “whore.” And no guy is upset because asses are everywhere, and women are encouraging it.

I know what you’re thinking: “J-Train, tits are pretty sweet!” I know. I agree. Cleavage is awesome. Nipples are surprising. Titty fucking is a fun thing to talk about with your girlfriend until you do it and realize it’s just a loose hand job, but hey, it’s something different. Tits are great, but they’ve lost their luster and I blame porn. It’s too good a venue for tits. You can see their movements, their size, their general zest and zeal. Ass isn’t as accessible in porn. It’s always done at the worst angle or too close to the anus like it’s a science experiment. It’s way easier to appreciate tits in porn than ass, and now we are all desensitized. Kim K’s boob shot didn’t move us. It wasn’t even a GIF. I could barely masturbate a third time. We can see boobs on our iPhones easily enough, and you know what? We’ve seen enough.

This is less a theory and more an observation of the current cultural landscape. It started with Jennifer Lopez (the Rosa Parks of hot ass). When someone that famous is known nationally for one asset, it pushes others with that same asset to flaunt it. Some years later, America is obsessed with dat ass. Listen to the radio or watch a music video or go on Instagram. Asses are everywhere and they’re being glorified. Google image search “female squat memes” and you’ll realize quickly that guys aren’t the ones pushing the ass conversation. It’s actually women. There’s something empowering about having a great ass because it takes some work. You can be born with great boobs but it’s less likely to happen with an ass. It takes effort, squats, and eating cheeseburgers but only half the fries. It’s a weird balance of being healthy while still looking womanly.

So here we are, the United States of “this anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun.” I’m happy to be here. I’m happy to live in a country where an hourglass is appreciated. I imagine that when the Kim Kardashian ass photo was released, J.Lo gave a solid, janitor from Rudy “we did it” fist pump and clap. Thank you, J.Lo, for bringing the booty to the mainstream. Thank you, Nicki Minaj, for having a butt so amazing we think it might be fake. Thank you, Kim Kardashian, for providing a knockout punch, and, for now, ending a timeless debate. Thank you, America. Game. Set. Match. Pooper.

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Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a New York City-based comedian who has been featured on MTV’s Failosophy and is the host of The JTrain Podcast presented by TFM.

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