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America: Big Swinging Dick Of The World, Part 9 Drone-A-Palooza

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America is the greatest country on the planet for many reasons. Our military is so vastly superior that we don’t even need to put people into harms way anymore. We’re turning warfare into a video game because it’s better to lose a robot than it is to deliver a flag to a mother who needlessly lost a son. That is the simple philosophy that fuels the badassery of the most effective fighting force the world has ever seen.


rip-saw Unmanned Ground Vehicle 2

The Ripsaw is what happens when you slap two giant chainsaws onto a tank and pour moonshine into the gas tank. This tactical UGV is heralded as the “the world’s fastest tracked vehicle.” In beast mode, it goes from zero-to-sixty in just four seconds. In comparison, a Porsche 911 GT3 beats the Ripsaw by half a second, but it doesn’t hold nearly as much ammunition.

The Ripsaw’s tubular chassis is derived from the same intelligent redneck design employed in NASCAR race cars and monster trucks. It allows for increased strength and decreased weight, or the exact opposite attributes of people who actually attend NASCAR races and monster truck shows.

The 6.6L 650hp V8 inside the Ripsaw delivers 900 ft./lbs of testicle compressing torque. It’s almost a shame that computers get to have all the fun.
All in all, this unmanned tracked vehicle is pretty much the world’s most awesome remote controlled car. At full speed, it tears through terrain like tissue paper and smashes through concrete walls like balsa wood.

The crazy thing is, it only took $1 million to develop. $1 million might sound expensive if you live within a hundred grand of the poverty line, but the defense industry takes dumps that cost more than a million bucks. For example, the MQ-9 Reaper program cost $11.8 billion. The whole idea behind the Ripsaw is to make them cheap and easy to fix. Construct a robot army and flood the battlefield with it. Fuck the casualties, as long as they’re not ours.

The best part about it? You can slap an M-134 on top.

Shadow Hawk


Shadow Hawk is a UAV designed by Vanguard Defense Industries as a drone alternative to a helicopter. It’s a smaller and more practical option for surveillance and interdiction missions. The average helicopter burns 28 gallons of gas an hour. Shadow Hawk only burns 1.1 gallons and it can easily be refueled in less than 5 minutes.

The Shadow Hawk is seven feet long, weighs less than 50lbs, and can easily fit into the back of an SUV with the seats down. It can be equipped with either 12 gauge shotguns or 40mm grenade launchers, depending on how processed you want your bad guys to be.

It’s already in use tracking pirates off the Horn of Africa and in law enforcement agencies around the U.S. These creepy spy copters are coming soon to a city near you.

MQ-9 Reaper

Dec. 17 airpower summary: Reapers touch enemy forces

The MQ-9 Reaper is the tricked out version of the iconic MQ-1 Predator. The main purpose for these bad boys is blowing shit up and enforcing democracy wherever inferior belief systems exist. The Reaper is the meatiest hunter-killer in the sky. Its onboard camera can read license plates from 2 miles away and it carries a cornucopia of death, including laser guided bombs, Hellfire missiles, Sidewinders, and JDAMs .

The Reaper got its first kill in Iraq in 2007 but this thing has been around since 2001. In terms of technology, the MQ-9 is old balls. Do you remember what kind of phones we had in 2001? The RAZR didn’t even come out until 2004 and that thing was a huge piece of shit.

Obviously the Reaper is vastly superior to the terrorist assholes we exterminate with it, which is the whole reason it’s still being used. There’s no need to field anything better. Until terrorists learn how to make weapons out of something more advanced than a garage door opener, the MQ-9 will do just fine.

Switchblade UAV


The Switchblade is a kamikaze surveillance drone that is small enough to fit into a backpack. It only weighs 2.2 pounds (in America, the metric system is only used to weigh drugs) and it can be fired from a portable launch tube or rocket pod. When it comes out of the launch tube, spring loaded wings pop open and the electric motor kicks on. Video cameras and GPS provide feedback to the operator, who can send it on a suicide mission when a target is located. The surveillance drone essentially becomes a flying hand grenade that can be flown right up the ass of terrorists hiding in rugged terrain.

Micro Air Vehicles

MAVs are the scariest new addition to the unmanned line of murder machines. They are little dronebots the size of birds and bugs that can be released by the hundreds over a target area. The whole idea behind the concept is that the drones are so small they can swarm through streets and alleys, perch somewhere, and hide in plain sight.

They enter a power conserving surveillance mode and can even recharge via onboard solar cells or by tapping into local power sources. They are perfect for assassinations because they can carry cyanide darts and enough explosives for a suicide attack. Micro Air Vehicles are a Big Swinging Dick Game Changer because now it’s practically impossible for terrorists to hide from the birds and the bees of America. They aren’t here to teach you about fucking. They’re here to fucking kill you.

There’s not a whole lot of official information available, but if you compare the phones we had in 2001 to the smartphones we have today, you should get a pretty good idea of what we really have in terms of drone technology.


If you have any suggestions for military weapons or vehicles, leave them in the comments, along with the usual trolling. I can’t promise Part 10 will come soon, but I can promise that I will.

If you missed out on the critically acclaimed “America: Big Swinging Dick Of The World” series, you can find them here:

Part 8 (M134 Minigun, V-22 Osprey, DDG-1000 Zumwalt Class Destroyer)
Part 7 (CBU-97, Mk-19 Grenade Machine Gun, YAL-1 Airborne Laser)
Part 6 Throwback Vietnam (Iowa Class Battleships, M50 Ontos, PACV)
Part 5 (XM25, MAARS Robot, Active Denial System)
Part 4 (Phalanx CIWS, AA-12 Automatic Shotgun, B-52 Stratofortress)
Part 3 (MOAB, F-22 Raptor, Ohio Class Submarines)
Part 2 (AH-64 Apache, M1 Abrams, B-2 Spirit)
Part 1 (Aircraft Carriers, AC130 Spectre Gunship, A-10 Warthog, MQ-1 Predator)

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RageTheory (@RageTheory) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. He enjoys long walks of whiskey and sodomy on the beach.

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