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America: Big Swinging Dick of the World, Part 7

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America is the greatest country on Earth for many reasons, none of which we ever need to justify. Speak softy and swing a big dick. That is the simple philosophy that fuels the badassery of the most effective fighting force this planet has ever seen.

CBU-97 Sensor Fused Weapon


The CBU-97 is a 1,000-pound class free fall bomb that the USAF drops on convoys for a good old-fashioned Charlie Foxtrot. It’s a cluster bomb that breaks into ten BLU-108 submunitions that stabilize with parachutes. Each submunition then busts out four sensor fused hockey puck shaped “skeets”.

You read that correctly. This thing literally skeets on the enemy. There are no jokes to be made here, people. Moving along…

Infrared sensors inside each of the 40 skeets scan the battlefield below, detecting the heat signature of any tanks, APCs, or flaming Porche Carrera GTs. Once a target has been acquired the skeet detonates over it and fires a kinetic energy penetrator through the armor, busting a load of molten copper all over everyone inside.

Any skeet skeets that don’t find a target self destruct and spray the battlefield with lethal fragments. Each bomb has an effective area of 4,800 square yards, which means if one is dropped on top of you, you better squint because that load going straight into your eyes.

MK-19 Grenade Machine Gun


To put it bluntly, the MK-19 is the scariest portable weapon ever created. It’s a 72.5-pound chain gun that fires 350 grenades per minute. With an effective range of 2,200 meters, if you can see a target, odds are you can fuck it the fucking fuck up.

When the MK-19 was first fielded, some soldiers had issues “exercising restraint,” which is a fancy way of saying that their boners were so hard, they couldn’t stop shooting until everyone was dead and everything was FUBAR. I personally don’t see a problem with that philosophy, but I guess some people have “feelings” and “empathy” about collateral damage on a massive scale. Pussies.

The 40mm grenades are about half the size of a baseball and the MK-19 lobs those little bundles of destruction downrange at 800 feet per second. The High Explosive Dual Purpose (HEDP) rounds have a 5-meter kill zone, a 15 meter fucked zone, and the ability to punch through 2 inches of armor.

The MK-19 is an absolute death machine and it definitely tops the Christmas wish list of every soldier and psychopath alike. It has an unprecedented battlefield advantage and terrorists eat shit directly from its asshole.

Check out what it does to vehicles:

Boeing YAL-1 Airborne Laser


The YAL-1 marks the official end of the foreign nuclear threat and the uncontested military dominance of the United States of America. In the height of the Cold War, people lived in constant fear that at any given time, nuclear warheads could rain down from above and end everything as we know it.

Now, nobody even thinks twice about nuclear annihilation because we got that shit on lock down. It’s all thanks to the foresight of crazy people like Richard Nixon and George Lucas who came up with an elegant solution to the threat of ICBMs: Put lasers in the sky and shoot that shit down.

Enter the YAL-1 Airborne Laser system. Star Wars is here, bitches. It’s a jumbo jet with a giant laser on it. It uses three laser beams, like the fucking Death Star, to lock onto ballistic missiles and destroy them over their launch area within seconds.

The laser burns through the missile’s fuel tank during its boost phase, which causes it to explode on top of the soulless assholes who had the balls to launch it in the first place. It’s instant karma and it makes the world a better place.

I’d go into detail about the megawatt chemical oxygen iodine laser (COIL) and targeting systems of the modified 747, but I’m out of whiskey and I doubt any of you actually care.

Funding for the program was cut in 2011, probably because nuclear war is no longer a legitimate concern and bureaucrats have better things to waste our money on. Even though the program was canceled, I’m sure the Air Force keeps a couple of them around… just in case.

Part 8 is coming soon. If you have any suggestions for military weapons/vehicles/theatres, leave them in the comments along with the usual trolling. I can’t promise Part 8 will come soon, but I can promise that I will.

If you missed out on the critically acclaimed “America: Big Swinging Dick of the World” series you can find them here:

Part 6 Throwback Vietnam (Iowa Class Battleships, M50 Ontos, PACV)

Part 5 (XM25, MAARS Robot, Active Denial System)

Part 4 (Phalanx CIWS, AA-12 Automatic Shotgun, B-52 Stratofortress)

Part 3 (MOAB, F-22 Raptor, Ohio Class Submarines)

Part 2 (AH-64 Apache, M1 Abrams, B-2 Spirit)

Part 1 (Aircraft Carriers, AC130 Spectre Gunship, A-10 Warthog)


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RageTheory (@RageTheory) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. He enjoys long walks of whiskey and sodomy on the beach.

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