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It’s boner time, bitches. Back by popular demand, this series is getting resurrected from the depths of my alcoholism. America is the greatest country on Earth for many reasons. If you fuck with our freedom, we will kill you. That is the simple philosophy that fuels the badassery of the most effective fighting force this planet has ever seen.
XM25 Counter Defilade Target Engagement, or Individual Airburst Weapon System
Despite looking like the newest Halo battle rifle, the XM25 is the perfect marriage of hardcore commando grenade bullet with complicated nerd shit. It fires a 25mm programmable airburst smart round that has an effective hazing range of more than 500 meters.
The laser rangefinder on top of the gun automatically determines the distance to the target and programs it into the round before it is fired. When it leaves the chamber, the smart round spirals like a football. It counts the number of rotations to keep track of distance traveled so that it explodes right at the money shot. Soldiers can manually adjust the detonation point by up to 10 feet in front of or behind the intended target.
Field tests in Afghanistan show that the XM25 is a Big Swinging Dick Game Changer. Soldiers dubbed it the “Punisher,” which should give you a basic idea of how hard this thing pounds terrorist assholes. The days of taking potshots at Americans and hiding behind a wall are over. The XM25 can see way down field and then laser designate Peyton Manning Hail Mary the shit out of insurgents hiding behind cover. Brains explode! Touchdown!
MAARS Robot (Modular Advanced Armed Robotic System)
The MAARS robot is pretty much the wet dream Christmas gift of every single 12-year-old boy ever. It’s a remote control tank with seven cameras, a loudspeaker, siren, laser dazzler, pepper spray, M240 machine gun, and four M203 grenade launchers all strapped onto a 360 degree rotating turret. Wall-E just got a serious fucking upgrade.
This 350 pound, recycling bin sized murder-bot cruises at 7 mph and has an effective range up to 1000 meters away from its controller, which means soldiers are about to get really, really lazy. Playstations and XBoxes are currently training an entire generation of child soldiers who will be experts at using controllers to kill by the time they are old enough to enlist, or, really, grow pubes. The war of the future will be remote controlled and the children of the future will be armchair assassins. Hooray for technology!
The Active Denial System
This nightmare is brought to you by Raytheon, because nothing makes money like melting people. The Active Denial system is a millimeter wave weapon, which is kind of like a giant microwave strapped to the top of a Humvee. It fires a 95 gigahertz millimeter wave beam that only penetrates 1/64 of an inch into the skin. It burns, but it doesn’t burn deep. When the beam is active, it makes targets feel like they are on fire. Once the beam is turned off, the pain “goes away”.
Most people lose their shit after 3 seconds of exposure and no one can last more than 5 seconds. It’s almost as good at deterring people as blasting an audio feed of Carlos Mencia and Dane Cook switching routines and performing each other’s comedy over a ten thousand watt amp. That would probably be considered a war crime, though, once all the suicides were tallied.
The effects of ADS vary depending on atmospheric conditions, thickness of clothing worn by target, and how intense the operator sets the beam. It sometimes causes second degree radiation burns on people, but a few blisters here and there is a small price to pay when you’re focusing the sun on proletariat hordes.
ADS was developed as a non lethal weapon, but I don’t believe for one single second that Raytheon didn’t also make a top secret black budget model that instantly turns people into pudding. If they can give you severe sunburns in seconds when the dial is set to 3, imagine what happens when they crank that shit to 11.
America maintains military supremacy in the world because we are at the cutting edge of weapons technology. We are fielding remote control death machines and death rays while the rest of the world is playing pong on the Atari. We are leaving our adversaries in the Iron Age, while we step across the threshold into the future of science fiction. One simple mantra pushes us ever onward…
The pursuit of peace through superior firepower.
Part 6 is coming soon. If you have any suggestions for military weapons/vehicles, leave them in the comments along with the usual trolling. I can’t promise Part 6 will come soon, but I can promise that I will.
If you missed Parts 1, 2, 3, and 4 of the critically acclaimed “America: Big Swinging Dick of the World” series you can find them here: