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All I Want For Christmas Are Normal Spring Rushees

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To all of you newly initiated fall pledges getting ready to pack it up and head home for the holidays, congratulations, you did it. You made it through the hardships of pledging and you will never again have to put up with some asshole super senior who decided to drink a fifth of whiskey just to make his paddle swing a little more fluid. No more endless trips up and down the stairs to move cases of beer on gamedays, no more walking to class backwards, no more pushing quarters through puddles of hot sauce with your nose. You’re DONE. However, there is something that you will have to deal with for the rest of your collegiate life and that is the dreadful fucking event that is Spring Rush.

Yes new initiates, spring rush is pretty much what you would imagine purgatory to be like. There is nothing going on, no one really wants to be there, and the people are pretty fucking average. Unlike the excitement that was going on during your rush week in the fall, Spring Rush is a monotonously boring task of sorting through mounds of shit to find a few diamonds. It’s basically something we have to do because a few pussies drop every semester.

Instead of dropping bid cards on kids we’ve been getting to know for an entire summer of raging, we have to use our best judgment and determine how much talent kids have from conversation. The thought makes me want to jump off of a fucking bridge. What’s even worse is these kids aren’t the big names that we locked down in the fall pledge class, they are merely people who will fill the gaps. Think of it this way, spring rush is kind of like the supplemental draft in the NFL. Instead of getting big names like Mark Ingram and Cam Newton, we’re picking up guys like Caleb King and Terrelle Pryor. I mean, we knew they were there, we just have no idea what the fuck they have been doing for the past semester.

Which brings us back to that reason why spring rush is terrible; the conversation. Normally you can talk to rushees about what they did in high school because it is still pretty relevant. Now a whole semester later, all this poor bastard will have to talk about is what he has been doing for the past four months. When you talk to a kid who rushes in the spring you better pray they are somewhat interesting. Otherwise you are going to have to hear about what life is like in college outside of being Greek. Let me give you fair warning, hearing about GDI life is awful. The kid’s stories are going to be filled with tales about how he got slammed at some shitty apartment party or how he “always goes out” to the biggest jokes of nightlife establishments on campus. I would rather drink my own piss than rush these people because my piss probably has more flavor than the vanilla garbage that floats in the house during spring.

However, there are a certain group of kids who somehow turn out to be fucking awesome and there will more than likely only be three of them. It’s just how shit works. But they won’t be the kids you think they’ll be. The kid who waited another semester just so he could really figure things out, you know, the one who was really cool but needed a little time? If you rushed him too hard he’s going to be a little entitled prick until the pledge trainer deals with him. From there he will either shape up or drop, and if you fondled the kid’s balls too much over the course of the fall semester he will probably drop. Again, it’s just the way shit happens.

So just remember JIs, when you come back from Christmas break ready to get super sloppy and raise a little hell spring rush week will be there to throw a slight kink in your plans. My best advice would be to stock up on liquor because you are going to need something to make the week interesting. Better yet, practice turning invisible, because you’ll probably want to vanish when the Rush Chair comes into your room to bitch you out for drinking instead of being downstairs talking to a bunch of kids who have a better chance of getting laid in the dining halls than getting a bid to your house.

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jakewgoldman

Grandex Marketing Manager, Snack Enthusiast, Lover, Gator. Co-Host of the Inside TFM Podcast.

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