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Alcohol Around the World

The world is a vast and complex playground of different cultures. Different people can have radically different languages, beliefs, and gods. There is one thing, however, than unifies all mankind… Alcohol.

Mexico

Mexico is a rich cultural paradise just south of the border, where all of our migrant farm workers are made. The only place in Mexico you should ever consider going to is Cancun. Cancun is a perpetual Spring Break, a Mecca of mainstream mayhem. By the end of the night, you will have no less than 30 wristbands on from various clubs and bars. Cancun is legendary for one reason… sluts. Cancun is like a cascading waterfall of fuck holes. If you have a dick and you can’t get laid in Cancun, you might as well just turn that motherfucker in. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel with a howitzer.

Don’t be that stupid asshole gringo who orders a Corona. Nothing points you out as a rich, non-Spanish speaking puta more quickly than a Corona. If you don’t want to stand out like the thoroughly burned redneck that you are, you should avoid anything that’s sold in America. A lot of the corporate beers are all shitty pee-pee water, anyway. Pulque is the only acceptable beer. It’s an ancient Mayan brew made from the Agave plant. It tastes good, packs a punch, and puts you face to face with the spirits of the Aztec warrior gods if you drink too much. That might sound cool, but it’s not, because if you meet them, they WILL make you sacrifice a goat. Either way, you’ll get the locals’ respect for drinking Pulque. If you’re in Mexico, you probably shouldn’t even be drinking beer to begin with. You should be drinking Tequila! Tequila is of course the devil’s ball sweat with a twist of lime. If you get into a drinking competition with the locals, don’t be a bitch. Eat the worm, black out, and wake up in a bathtub full of ice, sans kidneys. Viva Mexico!

Costa Rica

Costa Rica is a tropical tourist destination that is world renowned for fishing and surfing. They have beautiful rainforests with monkeys and shit too, but if you’re not fishing in Costa Rica, you’re doing it wrong. Surfing is great, but unless you already know how to surf, you’re gonna get owned by the 12 foot skull smashers. The local chicks are inexplicably attracted to white guys with money. Wait, never mind, that makes perfect sense. Even if you don’t have money, just act like you do. They barely speak English, but they are fluent in sucking dick.

Although Imperial is cool to drink in America, don’t order it in Costa Rica. You should go for Pilsen, which is 6.0% instead of bitch ass 4.5% alcohol. Oddly enough, it is usually cheaper, too. There is also a terrible, petroleum based liquor called Guaro. If Guaro and Vodka got into a fight, Vodka would end up face down on the floor, mutilated and pregnant. Do not fuck with Guaro. It’s usually reserved for bets and homeless vagabonds, neither of which you should associate with in Costa Rica.

Australia

Australia is definitely the shittiest place on Earth. Sure it’s beautiful, but 85% of the wildlife is poisonous and will kill you/eat you. Great Britain sent all their prisoners there for a reason. They literally could not build a prison that sucked harder than Australia. Hit the beaches to work on that tan, then get eaten by giant crocodiles. Scuba dive the Great Barrier Reef, then get eaten by Great White sharks. Take a dip in the pristine lagoons, and then get murdered by box jellyfish. Don’t think that you can escape a miserable and shame filled death by avoiding the water. Australia is loaded with venomous snakes and spiders. I’m not talking about “venomous” like the bitch ass black widow or American rattlesnake. I’m talking about Taipans, Tiger snakes, and Funnel Web spiders, whose venom is so powerful you’ll bleed out of your asshole for 3 days before your testicles explode as thousands of evil spider babies come pouring out. If you make it one day without dying, you definitely deserve a beer. Fortunately, Australian beer is actually pretty good. It is one of the few things that isn’t guaranteed to kill you.

Touhey, Veebee, and Coopers are all fine choices. Just don’t drink Fosters. Foster’s is not Australian for beer. It’s American for retarded. People in Australia absolutely hate Fosters. Don’t be the one guy drinking the one thing that everybody hates. That’s like an Arab walking around New York City screaming that 9/11 was an inside job. It’s not classy and it’s NF.

Amsterdam

By far the weirdest place on the planet. Amsterdam is like something out of a Dr. Seuss book. I guarantee you will see some weird liberal shit if you go to Amsterdam. Aside from the insanity, Amsterdam does have some breathtaking mountains and valleys. I’m speaking, of course, about the whores. Make sure to hit up the red light district because there are sluts that are so hot, you’ll swear they’re computer generated. Just make sure to stick to the main canal streets. Don’t wander down the back alleys. That’s where you’ll find the 78 year old tranny who will fire ping pong balls out of his dog’s ass for 5 bucks. So unless you’re a little fucking weird yourself, it’s best to avoid the freak parade.

Amsterdam is home to the Heineken brewery. I’m not a huge fan of Heineken, but when I took the tour of the brewery we got to taste Heineken that was literally just brewed a few moments before we arrived. It was like drinking from the Holy Grail. I don’t know why the bottled diarrhea we get in America is so inferior to what I drank in Amsterdam, but it’s blasphemy to call the two beers by the same name. Maybe Heineken only fills half of the American bottle with beer and the other half with cat piss. Maybe they decided to save money because they realized that Americans love to drink diluted garbage.

Another fine drink you can easily find in Amsterdam is absinthe. Absinthe is not for the weekend warrior alcoholics. It’s only for those who want to push the thresholds of intoxication to the maximum. Shit gets weird on Absinthe. As I recall, a Dutch-speaking Leprechaun took us on a tour of the city in his smart car made of marmalade. We ended up in an underground sex dungeon watching an Asian girl dance on stage as she pulled 300 feet of black light reactive ribbon out of her vagina. What happened next is a mystery to me, but the Leprechaun was arrested for treason and the police beat him to death with pool noodles. It took a LONG time.

If traveling the world has taught me anything, it’s that Americans drink bad beer. However, out of all the countries I’ve been to, no one rages harder than America. We prefer the philosophy of “quantity over quality.” We know what we want. We want to get wasted and make awesomely bad decisions. Good beer is a luxury for us. “Good beer” usually refers to anything more expensive than PBR or Natty Light. We are too practical to waste too much money to get drunk. America rages the hardest for the cheapest. We are also one of the few nations to seriously embrace drinking games. When it comes to turning cheap alcohol into a sport, America is undeniably FaF. We are, without a doubt, THE top-tier country. Most other countries are GDI, especially France. Fuck France.

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RageTheory

RageTheory (@RageTheory) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. He enjoys long walks of whiskey and sodomy on the beach.

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