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Al Qaeda Is Sort Of Like A 9 To 5 Job, But With More Exploding

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You know what sucks more than a job where you might be expected to blow yourself up for the glory of your God? How about having to fill out expense reports for your suicide bombing equipment? Al Qaeda in North Africa’s inter-office (cave?) memos leaked recently, and it’s comedy gold, except for the whole “being a terrorist organization” part. The memos center on a rebellious terrorist Moktar Belamoktar, responsible for a number of high profile attacks in the region of late. Apparently, his bosses had some serious insubordination issues with him, and it was quite a bit more than not filling out his TPS reports:

“Rather than walking alongside us in the plan we outlined, he managed the case as he liked,” they write indignantly. “Here we must ask, who handled this important abduction poorly? … Does it come from the unilateral behavior along the lines of our brother Abu Abbas, which produced a blatant inadequacy: Trading the weightiest case (Canadian diplomats!!) for the most meager price (700,000 euros)!!”

Apparently Canada does produce something of value: diplomats. Taking less than a third of what the higher-ups wanted on a deal will hurt you in any industry, but I suppose when that industry is “killing innocent people to make a political point” it really drives a wedge between you and upper management.

Due to Belamoktar’s poor handling of his fundraising efforts, the leadership was pretty pissed. There was also a passive-aggressive performance review, just like any normal office environment, but, you know, with more guns and questionable relations with livestock:

“(The chapter) gave Abu Abbas a considerable amount of money to buy military material, despite its own great need for money at the time. … Abu Abbas didn’t participate in stepping up to buy weapons…So whose performance deserves to be called poor in this case, I wonder?”

Wow. Any more passive-aggressive sarcasm in that email and it would jump off the page and blow up in your face. Personally, I find the whole thing hilarious, and love to see infighting in an organization that causes this country far too much grief relative to it’s size and backing. Sadly, Belamoktar leaving seems to have been the right move for him, as his organization is now one of the biggest threats to U.S. interests in North Africa. No word on if Belamoktar set the place on fire before he left, or the whereabouts of his red Swingline stapler. If he just calls up the DoD, I’m sure they’d send a drone strike force to, uh…help him find it.

[via AP]


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Scientist, internet comedian, future supervillain. I still refuse to believe I've graduated college.

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