News

Akron’s Zippy The ‘Roo Has Gone Missing And No One Seems To Care

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At least two versions of Akron’s Zippy the kangaroo are missing and I seem to be the only one who is concerned. I mean, somewhere out there in this cold cruel world Zippy the Roo is all lonely and defenseless. I want names, damnit.

Sometime last week, a University of Akron staffer noticed the costumes for Zippy I and Zippy II had gone missing from their usual spots. The staffer contacted the students who use the costumes and none of them knew where the costumes were. That’s when a police report was made regarding the $2,500 costumes and a piss-poor search party was formed.

See, this is where I would usually post a lengthy quote from a reliable news source to 1. Give this article credibility and 2. Get myself out of writing so much. Instead, it appears the FAKE NEWS mainstream media isn’t too worried.

From The Akron Beacon Journal:

The University of Akron is looking for two missing females, each approximately 65 years old with giant heads and four fingers on each of their hands.

They were last seen wearing dark blue sweaters and coordinating blue and gold beanie hats.

Neither are considered dangerous. Both are adorable.

Zippy, UA’s website says, often hops off to Australia during the summer break to visit family.

If you see Zippy, the Beacon Journal encourages you to Tweet a picture @ohiodotcom with the hashtag #FoundZippy

Really, Akron Beacon Journal? You’re gonna turn this into a social media “game” of sorts?! Go kick sand, you mouth breathers. Mascots are people too. No one has even used that hashtag on Twitter yet, so not only are you trying to exploit a ‘roonapping for your own benefit, but you’re failing miserably at it. You make me sick. #BringBackIcing

Sadly, the only other news coverage on the event lasts for roughly five to six lines. I guess kangaroo mascot thefts just simply aren’t important in today’s society. Tragic, really.

My only hope is that the kangaroos, wherever they are, are safe. Hopefully, my boy Truman, who has gone rogue before, is taking care of them.

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Nope. Nope nope. Maybe not a good idea after all.

UPDATE: One of the costumes was located over the weekend, scared, confused, a little hungry, but all-in-all unharmed.

From WKYC:

“An individual in the Zippy program who originally believed he did not have one of the costumes realized yesterday he had forgotten to return a costume after performing at an event,” director of media relations Dan Minnich told WKYC in a statement.

[via The Akron Beacon Journal, WKYC]

Image via Youtube

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El Taco

Either a war hero or war criminal depending on how you look at it

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