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Aggressively Ruining Valentine’s Day

I’m not one to mope about being single. I LIKE being single. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy having a girlfriend though. Each lifestyle has its perks to be sure. In fact, I tend to not pay much mind to whether I’m single or coupled up. I go with life’s flow. Other people, however, do not. They hilariously, pathetically, get worked up about whether or not they have a partner, and seem to think any and everyone wants to hear about their relationship status, and their thoughts on it.

No one fucking cares. Nobody. Stop filling up my Facebook timeline with your Valentine’s Day musings. The only thing worse than reading someone’s attempt at making a clever joke about the holiday (usually a person who has no business trying to be clever), is reading some serious, self-empowering crap. If you’re so self empowered you should probably stop living or dying with how many people “like” your status so you can feel SLIGHTLY reaffirmed, if only for a moment.

By the way, another thing that can find its way right the fuck out of my Facebook timeline? These ludicrous statuses, pictures, memes, etc. about how more people care about Whitney Houston dying than some soldier deployed overseas. Are you kidding me? Do the people that post this shit REALLY think that the majority of Americans valued a super talented but personal train wreck’s life over that of a man or woman who dies for their country? I know I don’t. It’s funny that when you check that person’s past statuses you don’t see any of them mentioning each and every soldier who died in the wars, just the one about Whitney Houston. I like it when idiots fail to realize their own irony, it gives me a smug boner. Put up or shut up, stop being a preachy douche bag.

I should be clear, I don’t hate Valentine’s Day. I’m not some attention starved pussy who posts status after status about being in love, or worse, being single. God… FUCK those people, all of them. I “nothing” Valentine’s Day. It’s a lame holiday. When I’m in a relationship I’ll do all the Valentine’s Day stuff, gladly. My (hypothetical) girlfriend deserves a nice day and nice things. If it’s important to her then it’s important to me (and it’s ALWAYS important to her). But when I’m not in a relationship it’s just February 14th, another day in the middle of the shittiest month of the year.

But because other people place so much weight on a holiday that should technically only be celebrated by Catholics, I think that ruining this most unnecessary of days for everyone is the only logical course of action. When I say everyone I mean EVERYONE. Couples, single people, widows… everyone. Here are a few ideas:

Single People

You can start by getting drunk and trolling Facebook. As I said there are bound to be dozens of anti-Valentine’s Day posts, written both in jest and in all seriousness. Because these desperately sad chodes made their feelings public domain, you have every right to eviscerate them. They opened Pandora’s Box, and you should absolutely take a dump in it. I’ll give an example.

Random Girl
Wow, really happy everything on TV is about v-day today. Def don’t need any reminders that I’m single.

You
YOU ARE SINGLE. (Want to bang?)

Simple but effective.

Another creative way to ruin the holiday is by showing up at a single person’s door, dressed as a deliveryman, and holding a dozen roses. When their eyes light up, assuming the roses are for them, ask for the name of some girl who obviously doesn’t live there. Bonus points if that name is one of their friends who is in a relationship. After they tell you that they aren’t the person you’re looking for, give a hearty chuckle and say something like “Wow, that’s embarrassing… for BOTH of us, huh?” Then walk away.

Couples

With couples the options are almost limitless. You can start by paying some hobos to walk through and crop dust a fancy restaurant. Nothing dries up panties quite like the moist lingering street farts of a vagrant. Yes, that is a digested banana peel you smell, ma’am.

You can also ruin Valentine’s Day for couples dining out at a shitty restaurant. It’s pretty much a given that every sit down restaurant in America will be packed on February 14th, so head over to your nearest TGIFridays and let every man there know he’s an inadequate mate. Literally just walk to the front of the restaurant and shout: “YOU TOOK YOUR DATES TO TGI FUCKING FRIDAYS. ENJOY YOUR TWO FOR TWENTY PLATTERS. SPOILER ALERT LADIES: HE GOT YOU AN OPEN HEART PENDANT FROM KAY JEWELERS.”

The downside to this is that one of the mouth breathers who took his obese wife to the restaurant might try to beat you to death with a tire iron. I never said there weren’t risks involved. In fact, knowing the Valentine’s Day patronage of TGIFridays, a tire iron fight might actually reignite the sexual attraction you momentarily extinguished, so be sure to get out of there fast, because those people should not be procreating.

Back on the Facebook front Valentine’s Day can be ruined a couple different ways. It’s always fun to post a terrifying, completely made up statistic as your status, something like “Women are 59% more likely to be raped by their partner on Valentine’s Day.” Then provide a link that leads to something heinous, like this. I CHALLENGE you to be aroused or feel romantic after viewing that. Another way to kill the mood is by making everyone sad. Find a lovey-dovey post between two friends who are dating and ruin it with a comment like “I’m glad there are people with love in their lives today. It was two years ago today that my grandmother, under the crushing weight of the loneliness she felt since losing my grandfather, took her own life. Have a great day guys. ;).” I can’t stress enough how important the winky face is.

Widows/Widowers

Honestly if you have the time just dress up like their deceased lover and haunt their home. Of course it’s all fun and games until someone has a heart attack… or tries to kiss you.

Valentine’s Day in and of itself is a “whatever” holiday. People call it “manufactured.” Ironically it’s people’s affection or disdain for the holiday that comes off as equally if not more so manufactured. Make them pay by being the drunken shit disturbers I know all of you are capable of being.

Follow me on Twitter @BaconTFM

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