Happy Holidays? Fuck that shit. Merry Christmas motherfuckers! Christmas is my favorite holiday of the year. Why? I don’t really know. Maybe it’s because I like presents. Maybe it’s because I love the atmosphere, or because the soundtrack to “A Charlie Brown Christmas” was playing in the background when I lost my virginity. Full disclosure, she wanted music and all I could find was that and a Good Charlotte album. I feel like I made the right choice. Regardless, the “why” isn’t important. I love Christmas, and I like to make sure as many people as possible are aware of this fact. I celebrate Christmas…aggressively. Here’s how:
Excessive Christmas Themed Drinking
You could say that once St. Nicholas’ Day hits I officially become drunk on the Christmas sprit. That’s because I literally get drunk on Christmas, with Christmas themed alcoholic beverages. I wave goodbye to Natty Light and the like, and spend my nights downing beverages that honor the season. That means special Christmas beers, eggnog and bourbon, and enough Rumple Minze to kill a gaggle of elves. Seriously I’ll drink Rumple Minze until I start shitting holly. During the Christmas season I don’t blackout, I red and green out. After enough eggnog and bourbon all I can remember is that it’s Christmastime. For me, December is a Christmas marathon, and this shit is my Gatorade.
Misguided Attempts at Conversion
I have nothing against other cultures and holidays. If you want to celebrate Chanukah that’s cool, have a blast. I hope you go balls out on those eight days of presents. If people like observing the pagan winter solstice I fully support their decision to smoke opium while watching some wiccans scissor in a forest clearing. It’s not that I hate the other holidays. I don’t, they’re fine. I just LOVE Christmas. So to my Jewish neighbors I’d just like to apologize in advance for once again getting insanely drunk, standing on your front lawn at 3:00am, and holding a boom box blasting Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s “Christmas Eve/Sarajevo” over my head à la “Say Anything…”
Simply put, I go HAM on the Christmas ham, only pausing for air and more Rumple Minze. I pack away so many Christmas cookies that the only thing I should be asking Santa for is a stocking full of insulin. But I’m no Scrooge. Christmas, after all, is about sharing, and of that I do plenty. Every morning, with a fresh minty hangover, I head down to the local park and spend several hours killing geese. After a nice haul I throw them in the back of a truck and roll on down to the food bank with enough Christmas geese to feed an army. More often than not the food banks end up turning me away, saying things like “Those geese aren’t sanitary,” and “You need to seek serious psychiatric help,” or “You killed thirty geese? We’re calling the police.” When that’s the case I simply take to the streets and start throwing the geese to the homeless and less fortunate families. Whoever needs it really. I feel like at the end of the day, despite the frightened, crying children and multiple PETA complaints, it still makes a positive impact.
I attend as many Christmas pageants as possible and viciously heckle the play’s antagonist, whether it be Scrooge, the Grinch, etc. Some Examples:
“He’s an old bitch! Punch him in his fucking face Cratchit!”
“Come down here and steal MY presents you green FAGGOT! I DARE YOU!”
I’m usually asked to leave during intermission.
Most people have “Ugly Christmas Sweater” parties. First off, fuck you. None of them are ugly. They’re all glorious celebrations of the holiday. Whereas most people will spend one night in an ugly Christmas sweater, I make them my entire seasonal wardrobe. I also put wreaths on everything, and I mean fucking everything. Police Car? Wreath. Sad hobo? Double wreath and tinsel. And if there is already a wreath on something I usually go ahead and adorn that wreath with several smaller wreaths. Also, if forced to use a condom I insist on using lambskin in honor of the lambs in baby Jesus’ manger.
So do I like Christmas? Yeah, I guess you could say so. Am I overzealous in my celebration of the holiday? My family and neighbors, as well as state and municipal authorities might think so, but I know that Jesus appreciates it. I aggressively celebrate Christmas. Fucking deal with it. Now excuse me while I go pour a fifth of Makers into a bowl of eggnog and fire up my boom box..