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Adolf Hitler Farted A Lot, Was Filled With Bull Jizz

Adolf Hitler’s medical records are now up for auction at the Alexander Historical Auctions of Stamford, Connecticut. According to a report from Discovery News, the records contain some interesting revelations about history’s most famous failed artist/hipster (that’s right, Hitler was a hipster, NEVER FORGET).

Adolf Hitler farted uncontrollably, used cocaine to clear his sinuses, ingested some 28 drugs at a time and received injections of bull testicle extracts to bolster his libido.

So what you’re telling me is that along with Hitler’s scrotum only being half full and his brain NOT being bulletproof, he also constantly ripped ass and used bull jizz to increase his sex drive? I’m not going to lie, if you objectively asked me what country I thought a one testicled, chronic farting, cocaine abusing, bull jizz loving man with a weird mustache would have the best chance at leading, I’d pick Germany. But swap out cocaine with ecstasy and I’d have thought you were describing Germany’s most popular house DJ.

Compared to the rest of the list Hitler’s cocaine use seems sort of normal, expected even. Given this new discovery, along with Hitler’s well-known volatile personality, I’m starting to picture him as a German Tony Montana. That explains why conspiracy theorists thought he escaped to South America.

The documents reveal another unflattering aspect of Hitler’s life: der Führer “suffered from uncontrollable flatulence.”

So you’re telling me he probably sharted on a daily basis? And then there’s the bull jizz thing…

One of the doctors,Theodore Morrell, reported that the Mein Kampf madman received injections of extracts of seminal vesicles, testis and prostata of young bulls.

“Morrell believes that Hitler, although not strongly inclined to sexual activity, did have sexual intercourse with Eva Braun, though they were accustomed to sleep in separate beds,” said one of the papers.

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like when you’re getting BULL SEMEN injected into you, your post-animal jizz enhanced sex drive should be described as something other than “not strong.” I mean, shit, Franklin Roosevelt was dead from the waist down and even he was pulling more than Hitler. This is why we won the war.

At this point I’m picturing some perma-farting, drug addicted, clown man running history’s most evil empire. I now assume all Hitler’s meetings went more or less like this:

Berlin, 1944

(*Hitler’s staff walks in as he rails several lines of coke*)

Himmler: Mein Fuhrer, what do you wish to speak to us about today?

Hitler: Hey! HEY! WHAT’S UP! Sorry guys just clearing my sinuses. Runny nose, runny nose. Really runnin’.

Goering: No judgment here Mein Fuhrer.

Hitler: I love you guys, you guys are awesome, I LOVE YOU GUYS.

Goering: We, uh, love you too.

(*Hitler aggressively points his finger at Goering*)

Hitler: This fucking guy! LOVE IT! Okay, so I got this crazy fuckin’ plan. It’s so money. We’re gonna run a counter offensive in the middle of winter through the Ardennes and hit the Americans and British. It’s gonna be fucking hardcore and they’re gonna be all like “OH FUCK!” and I’m gonna be all like “UH HUH!” and we’re gonna fuck ‘em up and they’re gonna be all like “Let’s talk peace!” and I’m gonna be like “BOOM BITCHES!” Problem solved.

Himmler: Sir, I’m not sure if that’s feasible…

Hitler: What?

Himmler: It’s just that…

Goering: Our forces are low on fuel and the Soviets are proving quite unstoppable. They need to be our main focus at this point. An offensive in the west could ruin us.

Hitler: YOU’RE BRINGIN’ ME DOWN G-MONEY! What’s the deal? Huh? Huh!? HUH!?!

(*Hitler lets out a rancid vegetarian fart, backs into corner, shoots a dirty look to Himmler*)

Himmler: Ummm (*lying*) That was my bad…

Hitler: Well it smells awful. You probably sharted yourself. (*Awkwardly adjusts pants*) Yup. Smells like you definitely shit your pants. You should leave. You too Goering. Besides, my bull jizz guy should be here any minute. Today’s the day I’m gettin’ a boner, I know it! My dick and the Third Reich, back on the rise! GO NAZIS!

I can’t wait until we find out that Hitler was also into midget porn and that he uncontrollably lactated blood. It just keeps getting more embarrassing, doesn’t it Germany?

Follow me on Twitter @BaconTFM

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