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It’s Time We All Admit That Bruno Mars Is An American Treasure

bruno mars national treasure

Every time I’m in the car lately, I hear “That’s What I Like,” the (overly) popular single from Bruno Mars’ latest album 24K Magic, on the radio. Normally, once a song reaches a certain level of insane mainstream over-saturation — now matter how good it is — I wanna shove sharpened pencils into my ears while pouring bleach into a Jack & Coke every time I hear it. The radio has ruined so many great songs for me by making me sick of them. But somehow, every time I hear the hook to “Thats What I Like,” I still crank the volume knob up so high that my crappy car almost spontaneously combusts.

Bruno Mars is a mysterious man. Rumor has it that his actual birth name is “Borat Neptune,” but he changed because it sounded too ridiculous. And there’s that 2010 love song where he says “I’d catch a grenade for ya, throw my hand on a blade for ya,” which begs the question: Why the fuck are so many people trying to kill Bruno Mars’ girlfriend?! He must be a very dangerous man with whom to be in a relationship.

But it’s 2017, and it’s about damn time we finally admit that Borat Neptune AKA Bruno Mars is a goddamn walking talking god among men and he should be treated as such. Fight me.

Sure, it was painfully easy to despise him when he first blew up. His first hit was “Just The Way You Are,” an obnoxious cheese-fest of a cliché love song that made every man on earth want to jump out of 5 windows simultaneously. But over the years, he’s somehow proven himself to be the closest thing we’ll ever have to a modern day MJ.

It’s considered feminine to like Bruno Mars as a man. Hell, in certain states in the South you can actually get jail time for engaging in Bruno Mars fandom. But we need to break out of these oppressive shackles and admit once and for all that the man is an American hero. Is he even American? I think so. Right? I actually have no idea, but even if he isn’t, he’s still an American hero.

I finally converted into Marsism (it’s like Marxism, but with bubbly pop songs instead of communism) when my buddy showed me all of 24K Magic a few months ago. Life as we know it was never the same. The whole album is only 9 tracks and its barely even half an hour long, but every song hits hard and by the end of track 9, you’re a completely different person. Its like tripping on acid for the first time; your life perspective changes forever. You feel at one with the earth. You can smell numbers and taste colors. I’ve been blasting it from my phone all the time ever since.

So American men, wake up, swallow your pride, and admit you’re a Bruno Mars fan. Don’t live in denial forever.

Image via Shutterstock

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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