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Add Octomom to the List of People I Never Want to See Masturbate

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The Octomom will be masturbating. Onscreen. For money. But thank God she’s ONLY masturbating on camera. If she were having sex with another man on camera THEN she’d be a whore. I never want to see this. Watching her masturbate would be more traumatic than the time I was nine and caught a mall Santa Claus squeezing one out in the hallway behind a Panda Express. But I guess it was my fault for sneaking back there, at least that’s what he told me.

Who’s going to get turned on watching this? People with a Chunnel fetish? She’s had FOURTEEN kids. This is going to be like watching someone slap a shovel against a flat tire. She won’t be going to town on herself, she’ll be going to county.

My guess is that the only way this feasibly works is if they put Octomom in stirrups and then 5 yards away they set up one of those football throwing machines, ready to rifle out oversized dildo after oversized dildo. Meanwhile a giant robotic arm used to build cars on an assembly line stands over her to “flick the bean.”

The whole Octomom story would have been far more interesting if she had started out doing porno and THEN had fourteen kids after a downstairs bukkakae gone horribly wrong. 14 babies, 14 dads. That WILL be a reality show within the next three decades.

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