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The following took place in a fraternity active chapter room at 20:00 on a Monday evening. Transcripts have been edited for length, clarity, and to remove Simon’s comments, because everyone agrees he was just being a tool.
President: Okay okay, let’s call this meeting to order. I have a midterm tomorrow, and like three Westworld episodes to watch still tonight.
Old business, and only thing on the agenda: what to do with Room 12.
As you all know, our dearly expelled brother Squatch’s room cleaning fee cleared, and the crew has finally gotten most of the floor mushrooms and toxic waste out of there.
Social Chair: So I think it’s obvious what we turn Room 12 into.
Since time immemorial, man has wanted for one thing and one thing only: to get some sweet, sweet ass.
Murmurs of approval. Several members open fresh beers.
Social Chair: (pounds on table) Brothers, this is our solemn quest. This is our birthright! We all signed up to live in a fucking mansion, to collectively blow our rent money on ball-throttling ragers instead of paying some chinese apartment owner, and the result is that we can taste all of the greatest fruits that college life can offer. We are the kings of this campus, but I ask you:
Does a king squat in Big Bath? Does a king take an awkward roll in the porch or in some dark corner of the basement? Hell no!
It’s time we had some private space in this overcrowded shithole worthy of entertaining our female guests. We need a VIP Room!
Loud cheering. Big Tom smashes a bottle on the floor. President pounds the gavel.
President: Alright, so most people seem to be in favor of that. Since Squatch pre-paid his dues through the end of the year, we have a little extra money in the general fund to redecorate. What theme should we go with?
Vice President: So we have an opportunity to be as classy as possible here, and we have to take it. I want Room 12 to be a showplace, to broadcast the power and influence of this fraternity. I say we expand Squatch’s bar, maybe add some blacklights and glass shelves. Take all our empty fifths and handles for the week and fill them with food coloring and detergent so that they glow. Then we get a leather futon, some lasers, and LED strips. We can call it “The Champagne Room.”
Social Chair: Or maybe “The Private Reserve.” I like it! Plus we can use it for lock-ins and a drinking lounge on the off days.
House Manager: Are you guys insane? A leather futon? Who’s going to keep that clean?
Social Chair: Pledges.
President: No, he’s right. Something like that seems too high maintenance. Plus, the Delts have that “Penthouse” room at their place and it’s basically the same.
Secretary: I have a thought. Girls sort of know what they’re getting. Let’s try something unique and unexpected, like a departure from the ordinary. That will add a different flavor, something they’ll remember when they come over here.
President: What do you have in mind?
Secretary: I’m thinking we go full Tiki Room, with Hawaiian shirts, grass skirts, coconuts, jungle plants, and a kickass fish tank. You can approach a girl downstairs and be like “hey, you want to go to my Tropical Hideaway?” You’ll be ready to horizontal hula all the way to a smooth, island finish. Guaranteed.
Social Chair: That’s terrible. Go sit in the corner.
Secretary removed from executive bench to the corner with other JIs.
Vice President: This is why you don’t have JIs on the Exec Board. Disappointing.
President: Anyone else have ideas?
Several hours of frenzied debate, during which senior members move to adjourn at a rate of at least once every five minutes.
Alumni Member: Okay, how about this? I know I can’t vote—
Loud and excessive groans.
Alumni Member: But when I was an active, we had this club house upstairs with funky carpet from the ’70s, and all the old composites. There was this giant taxidermic moose head on the wall and a little cigar and whiskey bar built into the wall. We called it “Swag Lodge.”
Social Chair: How’s that going to attract girls?
Alumni Member: Well, when I was in the house, girls didn’t really come over here.
Louder groans, throwing of beer bottles.
President: People, we’re getting nowhere with this.
President: Anybody have any real suggestions, or are we just going to bat stupid fantasies around all night?
Scholarship Chair: (stands up, clears throat)
Scholarship Chair: Let’s just take the money and buy a fuckload of beer.
Senior Member: Second.
Other Senior Member: I move to adjourn.
Senior Member: Second.
President: What about Room 12?
Scholarship Chair: Just put that couch in there that’s been sitting in the hall for two months. Fuck it.
Social Chair: Can we also install a stripper pole?
Scholarship Chair: Sure. What the hell.
President: All in favor of just punting on this one?
Simon: We should give the money to our philanthropy fund.
President: Simon, so help me God if you open your stupid mouth one more fucking time, I will censure you.
President: Meeting adjourned..
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