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Throwing back a few Coronas on the beach with your boys, sitting around getting tan, and taking in the scenic chicks in bikinis is my perfect vision of what warm weather is all about. California seems like paradise for a reason: because this shit happens basically every day of the year. For the rest of us unlucky folks with real lives and all-too-real problems, the three summer months during which this vision becomes a reality are enough to get us and our seasonal depression through the brutally cold winter months. Coping with the dreaded seasonal change involves not only accepting it will be a long time before you can live carefree again, but also that some of your core identity will be stripped away as outdoor day-longs turn to casually drinking during Monday Night Football.
Nothing screams “fraternity member” like a dude in a neon-colored polo, shorts, and Sperrys rocking a traditional side-parted haircut and a pair of Ray-Bans. We can see you coming from a mile away in this outfit, and you love knowing that everyone immediately recognizes that you can drink a shitload of beer and pull chicks like a goddamn poultry farmer. But what happens when the sun takes a vacation and the cold weather moves in? That polo gets covered up by a pea coat, Sperrys take a back seat in hibernation mode to your more functional Bean Boots, and the shorts switch to sweats or khakis. Now who’s gonna know you’re in a frat? No worries, cause here are a few tips to maintain your status when the going gets tough.
First, you’re gonna have to try harder. I know, I know — tryhards and frat stars are nearly mutually inclusive, but I must stress that effort is essential. Wearing letters here is key, because if your outfit can’t implicitly scream “frat,” your letters are gonna have to do it for you. This is a little like Michael Jordan walking around town wearing his six NBA rings. You both earned it. Pledging wasn’t easy, and you want people to know it. Bust out those long-sleeve Comfort Colors shirts and regain your dominance over the streets.
Since clothes can only go so far, you now need to up your attitude. Start traveling around exclusively in packs of four to six so people know you have friends. We all know only people in Greek Life actually have friends because everyone else couldn’t afford to buy any, so establishing that you know a lot of people is the key to success. Similarly, make grandiose efforts to dap up every single person you recognize on the streets, whether you’ve known them for years or just met them last week. Your enthusiasm takes your social status the extra mile and will surely be rewarded.
I’m sure you were doing this already anyways, but just in case, it’s always a good idea to buy beer on weekdays. Nothing screams “I do cool shit” like walking through campus back to your house with a case of Natty as everybody heads to the library for all-nighter cram sessions. Just make sure you mix up where you’re buying your beer, because there’s a fine line between “I do cool shit” and “I’m a fucking degenerate alcoholic” that people just don’t seem to respect. That’s not to say college students aren’t all degenerate alcoholics; just that some of them haven’t figured it out yet. It’s like Kevin Spacey — he was a fucking legend two weeks ago, and now his name gets brought up like he was the first guy to have sex with a cantaloupe.
Finally, just be loud and obnoxious, especially when you’re recapping your weekend in class. Everyone needs to hear how awesome your mixers were, how hot the chicks were, and what the STD scare of the weekend was. Because if they don’t, it might as well not have happened..