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Smoke it. Dip it. Chew it. Hell, snort it. Versatility is one of the more admirable attributes of tobacco. However you choose to partake, the shit is just good. Tobacco is truly one of the finer things in life. She’s always there for you, too. There isn’t a time when some form of this wonderful crop isn’t appropriate. Pretty trashed? Time for a cig. Need a shower? Throw in a pinch. Need a little pick me up? Throw up some snuss in one of them nostrils.
Leading the way of smokeless tobacco is dip, the uncontested favorite among fraternity men. Every time that shit hits my gums, it screams, “America!” And it should for you, too. It’s also useful in announcing one’s presence. Throwing a lip in says you’re someone to be taken seriously. However, not just any man with a protruding lip demands respect. It is a privilege, not a right, to be counted amongst the great tobacco users. So what are you, an American, or a commie? Well, it depends which dip you’re working with.
So, you like Grape? I’m sure you also like boxed wine and sitting by the fireplace with a nice romance novel. Grape is a good selection if you’re 12 years old or sexually confused. One of my old buddies from high school dipped KG. He’s now an aspiring musical actor and bags groceries at Kroger.
Skoal Citrus, Peach, or Green Apple
I also used to know someone who dipped this stuff. Her name is Becky. Let’s set the scene. You have the options of a refreshing beer, a stiff whiskey drink, or a Skinny Girl margarita. Picking the Skinny Girl margarita is exactly what you’re doing when you pick citrus, peach, or green apple dip. It’s one step away from a full-blown sex change. Dipping is relatable to having a pair of balls, gentlemen. Make the right choice next time.
Skoal Natural and Copenhagen Long Cut
Skoal Natural and Cope Long Cut are the standard. Mild with a kick, they draw respect. In the sense that a quality, yet modestly priced, Jim Beam draws respect from whiskey connoisseurs, Copenhagen Long Cut and Skoal Natural will give you some revere from even the biggest badass, can-a-day cowboys out there.
Copenhagen Natural – Fine Cut (Cardboard Can)
Leave the women and children at home. We’re not fucking around anymore. Copenhagen Natural is gritty, tough, and full of enjoyment. It screams, “Freedom” every time the can is packed or opened. Like this beautiful country, Cope Natural is an embodiment of toughness, success, and liberty.
Copenhagen Southern Blend
As recently posted on TFM, Copenhagen Southern Blend is a thing of beauty, but only if found. It’s like the goddamn Sasquatch. The only known sighting of it, to my knowledge, has been Nacogdoches, Texas. Sending a pledge 4 hours away to pick it up was worth every one of his minutes, and my lip’s satisfaction.
From TFM user HornsUp9:
“Southern Blend is America at its finest. This is the defining point of this great country. This puts the history of America, in particular, the pride of the South, inside one perfect southern sunset colored can. It’s robust, yet subtle. It embodies the cockiness of southern fraternity living with the simplicity of sweet southern life. This is America, and this is the South.”
Dip to your life is like the background music to a movie. A great dip can make everything successful and awesome (Rocky), but a shitty dip can get you made fun of and also make you lose respect (anything by James Cameron). Your dip is your choice, nancy boy. What’s it going to be?