Everybody has at least one friend that’s totally out of control. A constant liability. When that friend’s 21st birthday approaches, you think, “This is going to be bad.” Well, imagine if that friend was Johnny Manziel, a guy whose total lack of fucks and unrivaled raging reputation have garnered national media attention during his short college career. Tonight at midnight, Johnny Football officially turns 21 years old. It’s highly probable that his birthday celebration will permanently alter the course of American history, and end with College Station going up in flames, if not the entire state of Texas. This is easily one of the most potentially dangerous 21st birthdays of all-time, ranking up there with the likes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Miley Cyrus.
Below is a timeline of what I assume will occur during the hours leading up to midnight, and the ensuing chaos after the clock strikes twelve and Johnny Football’s birthday begins.
10:00am Johnny’s iPhone alarm goes off, playing Drake’s hit single “Started From The Bottom.” He sits up in his king-sized waterbed, which is clear and filled with exotic goldfish, and then wakes the two naked, blonde sorority girls on either side of him before escorting them both to the front door and handing them each an autographed photo of himself. He throws up his patented “regime” symbol, as the door swings shut behind them.
11:00am – 4:00pm Johnny wears his Scooby Doo costume and counts money while binge-watching SpongeBob Squarepants on Netflix.
5:30pm Johnny’s boys arrive at his place, ready to start the party with several boxes of Ace Of Spades champagne and a large group of hot, non-virgin coeds. Manziel grabs one of the bottles, pops the cork, does the Heisman pose and sprays champagne all over one of the girls, yelling, “OVOXO up in this bitch!” The scantily clad young woman faints because she is too aroused, and Johnny empties the rest of the bottle onto her face.
7:00pm Rap music pumps through the air as Johnny dances obscenely with several girls on his kitchen table made entirely from the bones of endangered African animals. His manager fields phone calls and text messages from every local bar owner, begging Johnny to make an appearance.
9:00pm Johnny is three bottles of champagne deep, wearing nothing but a jockstrap and demanding that someone attempt to tackle him. When someone finally obliges, Johnny stiff-arms him through a glass coffee table. He then throws up the regime symbol, and nonchalantly drops an autographed photo of himself onto his friend’s bloodied body.
10:00-10:45pm Johnny has sexual intercourse with a curvaceous babe in the reverse cowgirl position on his waterbed filled with exotic goldfish while smoking a blunt.
11:00pm J-Man and the rest of the party participate in an intense game of power hour comprised only of Drake songs, chugging $300 champagne instead of cheap beer, while Northgate bar owners and employees frantically prepare for the approaching shitstorm.
11:45pm Johnny and his crew load into a stretch limousine filled with maroon and white balloons. Inside is a bag containing an Audemars Piguet timepiece, bottle of Louis XIII, and box of Magnum XL condoms with a note that reads: “Started… XO, Drake.”
12:00am Johnny’s limousine arrives at whichever bar promised him the largest tab. The bouncer drops to his knees and lowers his head, taking Johnny’s hand and kissing it. “I would be honored to check your ID, my Lord,” he says. Johnny pulls him to his feet, then hands him his ID and an autographed photo of himself. The bouncer ejaculates into his cargo pants.
12:10am The entire bar district is in a frenzy, and a line of people hoping to get in and rage with Manziel stretches around the block. Johnny buys multiple shots of Patron for every single female inside. He is wearing a traditional Scottish kilt and tank top, even though the temperature outside is freezing. “Easy access, baby,” he says to anyone who questions his attire.
12:30am Women are throwing themselves at Johnny as he scrambles like a gazelle, avoiding tackles left and right. He escapes to the bathroom where he lifts up his kilt and takes a leak in the sink, because he’s Johnny Football, and he’s hammered drunk.
12:45am A fight breaks out when a random guy attempts to make an Instagram video of Johnny taking five tequila shots in rapid succession. An enormous offensive lineman grabs the random guy’s cell phone and crushes it beneath his powerful foot, then backhand pimp slaps the culprit repeatedly until he loses consciousness. Johnny drops an autographed photo of himself onto the limp corpse, grabs the nearest hot babe and dips her into a sloppy makeout session while the crowd roars.
1:30am Two offensive linemen hold Johnny up by the shoulders as he stands on the bar and leads everyone in singing “Friends In Low Places.” His barely-opened eyes are glazed over, and he smiles goofily as he pulls a stack of big-faced hundreds from his kilt pocket, and then makes it rain into the crowd.
1:45am Closing time is approaching. Naturally, Johnny demands a round of shots for the entire bar. When the bar owner attempts to prevent this, Johnny throws an autographed photo at him and says, “Keep the change, bitch.”
2:00am Dudes are desperately attempting to close on Johnny Football stragglers as the bar shuts down, but every single one of them leaves with Manziel to continue an after-party at his place. He escorts several of them to his bedroom to film a raunchy sex tape a la Patrick Bateman, and flexes in the mirror throughout.
2:45am Johnny hits Taco Bell in his limousine with several members of the offensive line. They order 100 Doritos Locos Tacos at the drive-thru. Johnny out-eats the offensive linemen.
3:30am Johnny climbs back into bed where the six females he has already made ruthless love to are snoring in an orgasm-induced coma, lights his “night night blunt,” and takes deep, Heisman-winning hits until he passes out.
7:00am Johnny wakes up, chugs a Vitamin Water, drops a perfect 12-inch turd made of solid gold into his toilet, and heads to practice where he bombs precision passes all over the field with his laser rocket arm.