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A Timeline For Taking Your Shirt Off At A Party

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shirtless party


It’s important to remember we’re playing chess here, not checkers. You won’t outsmart the crowd by being the first guy to show a little nip; you’re just opening the door for some competitive male stripping. Soon enough hats will be coming off, followed by belts, then the next thing you know some unidentified dicks are flapping around. There’s no room for a cock frolic this early in the night.

Buttons undone: 0

Appearance Of A Buzz

We’ll be about four Busch Lights into the occasion here when you start to get cocky. If your bare chest erection can’t be contained via metaphorical waistband, undo a button or two. Mark your territory and let off that musk so the cis males in the room know your love handles are starting to get a mind of their own. Begin brewing up a catchy nickname for yourself so you can later assure a group of girls that they can stop worrying because “Grizzly Dick” will be unstrapping the goods soon enough. Make sure they know you have a penis. This is important.

Buttons undone: 1-2

Nodding Your Head During Muted Conversation

At this point you’ve got one thing on your mind, and it’s not how this 5’7” transfer student rushee can’t decide what minor to pair with Linguistics. Use this meaningless time to take a mental trip to the war room. Begin mental calisthenics by planning your technique. Unbutton at a mild pace, but don’t look down. Keep your head up like a professional. You’ll probably need to throw the hips into it a little. Just a little sensual hula-hooping for the people. Subtly, but still noticeably, practice your 360 degree thrusting in front of this idiot to shut him up. Gather yourself after a solid 15 seconds of choreographing, smack him on the bicep, and give him the 25-minute warning he didn’t know he’d been waiting for.

Buttons undone: 4

When “Timber” Starts Playing

You’re rising here and you’re feeling good, baby. On the Freytag’s Pyramid of Shirt Removal, you’re climbing atop the rising actions and closing in on the climax of your narrative. Once the first few notes of Ke$ha’s “Timber” start to play, it’s time to assume position. If Spotify’s Rap Caviar aligns like you think it will, Sean Paul’s “Temperature” should show up right after that Lil Wayne song where he refers to himself as a venereal disease.

Buttons undone: 6

The Point In The Party Where People Are Drunk Enough To Unforgivingly Poop In The Downstairs Bathroom

We’ve arrived in the heart of darkness. People are drunk to the point that the kid who is about to staple his forehead is being praised like he cured ALS with nothing but crushed ice and a condom wrapper. Inform this clown that he’s welcome to keep his paltry staples. Soon you become God.

Buttons undone: still 6… for now

When “Temperature” Starts Playing

Camp out near the most populated table for a few minutes while Lil Wayne raps about menstrual cycles. Circle the room and tap each partygoer on the shoulder while you close your eyes and nod confidently. Don’t say anything. They’ll understand. The beat to “Temperature” starts to bump, but don’t get too anxious. Firmly plant your feet atop the wooden table and begin to work the hips. The small transfer boy will see this, understand your moral superiority, and thank you for informing him he’s mankind’s failure. Continue to remove your shirt and perform vicarious foreplay with sensual winks and lip biting. After this, men will be comfortable disclosing that you turn them on quite a bit and millions of women will be lining up to have sex with you.

Buttons undone: what buttons?

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