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A Super Bowl Recap You Care About

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The night started off with players and employees of the NFL reciting the Declaration of Independence. There I was, with a half-eaten slice of pizza in my hand, and I was immediately floored. The American celebration continued, with Queen Latifah not sounding awful and then Renée Fleming, a lady from my hometown, dominating the national anthem. I was more proud to be an American than ever, and beyond pumped for what was bound to be an epic match-up between the best defense in the league and the best offense IN LEAGUE HISTORY. What we got instead was…something else.

Broadway Joe

Joe Namath, clad in a throwback, PETA-enraging fur coat, almost completely botched the coin toss. Drunk as ever, Joe tried to toss the coin before the call was even made. On national TV. During the Super Bowl. You know he went hunting down Erin Andrews immediately after, asking if he could toss her as well, before passing out in an owner’s box wearing only the coat. Awesome.

First Play…A Safety?

Peyton Manning lined up for the first play, ready to lead his NFL record-setting offense down the field. Instead, his dumbass center snapped the ball over his head for a safety, the perfect start for a game comparable to Obama-esque mistakes for the Broncos. Throughout the entire game, Manning looked shell-shocked, confused, and made Colin Kaepernick look like Joe Montana with his near-win against the Seahawks in the NFC championship.

Mark Cuban, Twitter Troll

Immediately after, the Internet erupted with ideas of someone out there making a killing on a bet that a safety would be the first play. Naturally, billionaire TFM hero Mark Cuban took to Twitter to announce that he had won $20 million by making the most Hail Mary bet of them all. Of course, he was just trolling everyone, tweeting “Psyche :)” soon after, because why the hell would he be that excited about only $20 million?

Halftime Show Half Empty

Bruno Mars is that insufferable dude in your fraternity who puts an Audrey Hepburn poster up in his room to look “sensitive.” The Chili Peppers couldn’t even redeem one of the most lackluster halftime shows in recent memory, mostly because they didn’t actually throw him off the stage. Let’s be real, Bruno, “she” would look a lot better if she hit the gym and used some teeth whitener, too. “Just the Way You Are” sounds a lot like settling to me. At least the NFL only made us suffer through three Bruno songs and had some nice military shout-outs to their families from overseas.

Terrible Commercials

From U2 giving away their album for free on iTunes because they’re awful, to Chevy trying to sell trucks with cow sex, to AT&T showing Ellen Degeneres partying with furries, to Jeep advertising to hipsters, the commercials in general were pretty underwhelming. I wish I could go on a long rant about how awful they were, but I forgot 90 percent of them already. Oh, and kid, if you play a football game and then run across town, only to drink a Coke, you’re probably going to die from dehydration.

Tebow Wins Even When He Loses

That being said about commercials, Tim Tebow keeps making magic happen. I’d say no football player has been mocked more in the past two years, but let’s be real, Tebow isn’t exactly a “football player” anymore. So what does he do? He gets into a series of commercials for T-Mobile about how it’s good to “not have a contract” and he gets paid for it. All he does is win.

Social Media

The Super Bowl is a huge night for social media, and major brands love to get in on the action. JC Penny definitely knows how to party and DiGiorno pizza fired a shot at Papa Johns. JC Penny later claimed that they were “texting with mittens,” which I immediately added to my excuse bank. Even Hilldawg threw some heat at Fox, and, politics aside, you have to admit it was funny.

Perfect Percy

Percy Harvin had been saving it all for this game. Literally. Before the Super Bowl, he only played in two games all season. In August, he had hip surgery. Two weeks ago, he got pulled out of the game early due to a concussion. Last night, he played the game like he’s Michael Vick in Madden 2005. All he has to worry about now is the league discovering something illegal Pete Carroll did. You know there’s something.

Okay, So The Commercials Got Better

Sarah McLachlan trying to garner support for that big-headed demon dog made me smile. Morpheus belting out opera for Kia made me wish Lawrence Fishburn did the halftime show. Jaguar’s #GoodToBeBad spot made me proud to be a villain and T-Mobile nonchalantly offered to pay off your contract while mocking overpaid celebrities. Budweiser and Bruce Willis both made me get emotional for Budweiser and Honda, respectively. I know there is some backlash for using a soldier’s homecoming to sell beer, but I thought that the Budweiser commercial was very tactful and they made another with an awesome puppy so they’re good in my book. Bob Dylan asked “Is there anything more American than America?” Absolutely not, big guy. God bless America and God bless Scarlett Johansson sucking on straws. Let’s see if I win that #esurancesave30

What A Beatdown

If you’re a Seahawks fan or love defensive football, this was definitely the game for you. If you’re part of the other 90 percent of the country, it was probably boring as hell. I remember watching my 49ers beat the hell out of the Broncos 55-10 as a kid and the Cowboys wipe the floor with the Bills 52-17 and thinking it was hilariously awesome. Watching this game was more to just wait and see how historically bad it could actually get, and then Richard Sherman got injured and couldn’t even give another hilarious post-game interview. Nothing good really does ever come out of New Jersey, does it?

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I used to write for TFM and PGP when they were funny.

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