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It’s 1:40 a.m. and the bars are about to close. You haven’t been entirely on your game, mostly because you’ve been hanging out with your boy who spent all night bitching about his girlfriend. It’s desperation time, but you’ll be damned if you end up like Macauley Culkin: home alone. The talent pool has significantly decreased since the beginning of the night, and most of the attractive women are long gone. The odds are stacked against you, because the place is still full of dudes who share similar goals.
You decide it’s time to do your best Doug Flutie impression and heave up a Hail Mary. It’s time for a Frat Lap.
The Frat Lap is by no means the most effective move in the arsenal. In fact, Brian Fantana once described the success rate with it.
Sure, it’s not looking good, but you’ve pulled more magic with less.
Here’s a complete breakdown of how your night will end, step by step.
Here’s a key to help you follow along.
You (orange) look at your phone and see you’re losing precious time. In front of you are the bathrooms where the women’s line is unsurprisingly long. Some guys are actually trying to throw down game on these girls, who clearly aren’t having it. You decided it’s time to see the limited option the bar has left, so you make an umpire homerun gesture with your hand. Your friend nods in agreement and you two are on your way.
Things start off well–you run into a fairly cute girl right off the bat. You hit it off instantly and think to yourself, “that was easy.”
Just as that thought pops into your head, a guy and his two buddies walk over. It’s immediately evident this chick has completely friend zoned this guy, but that doesn’t stop him from ruining your game. After quick consideration of your time crunch, you chalk this one up as a lost cause and move on. It’s now 1:44 a.m.
You see a shorty alone by the bar who looks pretty good from behind. However, once you walk up to her, this girl is an utter train wreck. Her face looks like she just went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson in his prime and she’s completely hammered. Time to move on.
Two more girls emerge by the bar. One is passable, but her friend looks like Nick Mangold’s sister. At this point your buddy is zero help, because he’s texting his girlfriend to ask for a ride. Your ex-girlfriend (red) sees you chatting up these ladies and decides to make her way toward you.
Your ex-girlfriend makes her presence felt immediately and takes your full attention. The other girl and her linebacker friend make their way somewhere else. Your ex looks good, and you start to think it wouldn’t be terrible if you just ended up at her place. Thankfully, this catches your friend’s attention and he leads you safely away from that minefield. That train wreck girl from earlier has now climbed on top of the bar to dance. It’s 1:48 a.m.
You and your buddy make your way to the dance floor. There are three girls and two jabronis with light gloves dancing with their hands to a Calvin Harris song. You start bumping and grinding on two of the girls like you’re at junior prom all over again. This has to end well. That train wreck girl at the bar slipped, hit her head, and passed out on the floor.
Things are starting to heat up, but you realize your friend bailed. His girlfriend texted him, and without a heads up, he left. Typical of him. The bouncers are checking to see if train wreck girl is still alive.
Fortunately, you’re busting out all the stops and both girls are feeling it. Train wreck girl is now being carried out of the building.
The girls invite you to get food with them, but first they have to use the bathroom. You have completed the Frat Lap and are back at your starting point. The line for the women’s bathroom has virtually not moved since the beginning. This might be a while–and now it’s 1:57.
Your ex-girlfriend hunts you down to say goodbye. You’re losing your patience waiting for the other two girls and your buddy is no longer there to save you from making a horrible mistake.
You go home with your ex-girlfriend.