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A Sexual Guide to Sorority Exec Members

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A Sexual Guide to Sorority Exec Members

While I’m sure my readers’ day-to-day lives are full of constant bitchslaying and rando rawdog threesomes with hordes of common sorority girls, there is another facet of the srat life that often flies below the penile radar. Sure, the faceless masses of any given house are always great for a good dick-kebab, but personally, I’m the type that finds power sexy. Unfortunately, since we’re all still in college, the only power available is the simulated bubble monarchies that make up a sorority executive board. With each position come new sexual challenges, and I’ve taken the liberty to comprise a general guide for you thankless bastards to use to enhance your personal testicular conquests.


“Her Royal Highness”

It takes a special kind of girl to become a sorority president. Unfortunately for the aspiring fratstar, most of these qualities make that special breed about as promiscuous as a Middle Eastern housewife. It’s hard to blame her, because any given night she’s likely dealing with pressure from nationals, lower tier fraternities breathing down her neck, sorority sisters’ misdeeds in the bathrooms (either vomiting or blowing cocaine by the yard), and ravenous fraternity guys desperate for a little shaft therapy.

It’s easy to see why getting stuffed like a ten-point buck tends to fall to the bottom half of her priorities list. Fear not, my friends, because as every guy in the world knows, the best stress relief for a woman is a solid 15 minutes session riding the genital slip-n-slide. All you have to do is put a little time in (most likely listening to her drone on about the 15,563 things that pissed her off this week), and in no time she’ll be showing her appreciation for your understanding nature.

If you’re the lazy type, I suggest seeking her out the day immediately following the conclusion of her presidential term. It’s likely to be one of the wildest in her life, and finding yourself on the receiving end of a casual bar stall OTPHJ is significantly more likely.

Social Chair

“The Wild One”

Ah, the social chair. This executive member carries the immense responsibility of answering the phone occasionally, and making sure girls don’t go to socials completely naked. Because of her limited role, this girl is typically one of the wildest exec members, and thus one of the easiest to deliver your flesh spear upon.

The social chair typically rises to her oh-so-esteemed position by simply being, well, social. This is the girl that everyone knows, and there’s a distinct possibility that everyone “knows” her pretty damn well. If she’s half as social with her vagina as she is with her day-to-day affairs, I suggest wrapping it up. It won’t feel as good, but it sure as hell feels better than a gonorrhea discharge.

Standards Chair

“The Stickler”

The sorority fun-police presents a unique challenge to all of the greek dick-distributing masses. The standards chair devotes her life to telling other girls what they shouldn’t do, and this superiority complex undoubtedly carries over into her social life. At any given time, she’s likely to be scoping the room for her sisters inevitable drunken mishaps. With such a distraction, you must be thinking that slaying this self-appreciative beast is near impossible. Fear not, there is a solution.

First of all, give up on hooking up with her during any organized function. She’ll be too busy giving girl after girl the stinkeye for getting a little too hand-sy on the dance floor. Instead, meet this girl on a normal bar crawl night, and slowly build your connection to loosen the perpetual stick up her ass. While she won’t sneak off into any bathrooms for a quickie with you, if you can sneak her home she’s bound to unload weeks of sexual frustration directly onto your lap. Another bonus? She probably won’t steal a shacker shirt.

Philanthropy Chair

“The Generous One”

To be a philanthropy chair is to be a generous kind soul who loves to make a difference in the world. It may be sick children, the homeless, the dolphins, or the sexually wanting fraternal masses; no matter who calls she is eager to help the needy. With a simple indication of “Hey, it sucks that there are hungry kids in the world,” you could find yourself firing up her loins like a ’77 Dodge Charger.

This is the kind of girl who’s charity knows no bounds, and as long as she isn’t currently in a state of perma-stressed insanity (usually during the week before her event), chances are she’ll be an easy conquest. Being the kind and generous soul that she is, you can probably expect an enthusiastic beej with no expectations for you to reciprocate.

One downside? Her motto is all too often “For the Kids!” so raw-dogging could lead to some less than ideal circumstances. You don’t want to spend your time awkwardly waiting for this girl to stand near a flight of stairs, so you might as well be smart about it. Consider it your personal charity to her.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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