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A National Cleavage Day Tribute

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For as long as there have been breasts, there have been women pushing them together in arousing ways. Such is the phenomenon known as cleavage, and as Twitter has so graciously informed me, today is its national holiday.

Throughout the centuries, cleavage has not only evolved, but completely revolutionized itself time after time. Long gone are the days of Victorian chokehold blouses, we are upon the age of the mystical pushup. Girls who once had to settle for a cleavageless life can now purchase a bra that strangles their tits so strategically that even the most petty of breast can be made to look as appetizing as a Thanksgiving Feast.

In my deep introspective analysis of cleavage (I love my job) I found myself wondering: “What exactly is it that makes two boobs smushed together look so fucking hot?” It’s no easy question to answer. While the proverbial nip slip is always a game changing sight, the fact that cleavage is everywhere propelling women to the center of attention can’t be ignored. While the sight of a full naked breast is the pinnacle of tit-based arousal, the fact that cleaved tits can command so much attention while still being 75% unexposed is truly a mystical feat.

Cleavage’s most appealing quality, in my opinion, has to be the seductive beckoning that seems to capture a room every time it is present. When I see an attractive female I often find myself thinking “Gee, I wonder what her tits would look like pushed together,” and the beauty of cleavage is the girls already did that for me. That warm and wonderful space between breasts literally tells me everything I need to know about your particular breed of shirt stuffers (which you can read about here).

If cleavage looks soft and inviting, like a fresh powdery snow mountain just waiting to be scaled, chances are once you unleash the beasts you won’t be in for any surprises (except for perhaps an unfortunate mole placement or epic nipple size). Likewise, if a set of large breasts show little to no cleavage, and instead look like they’re trying to run away from each other as fast as they can, most likely you have a case of really shitty plastic surgery, and unless you’re into rock-hard racks that looks like a cross-eyed owls I suggest you steer clear.

So I ask you on this national holiday, to take note of the cleavage that you find most important in your life. It may be held by that flirty 36DD toting bartender who always manages to sneak a larger tip out of you. It may be on a girlfriend who knows which bra makes her blouse bunnies most appealing. For all I know, your favorite cleavage could belong to an ambitious Pre-Med stipper named Candi. Wherever your ideal mammary middle ground may lie, today is the day to truly appreciate the gifts this gracious inter-tit area brings you on a daily basis.

And for any ladies who have yet to close the page out of disgust, I implore you to celebrate this wondrous holiday by showing off those breasts like they’re going out of style. Sure, you might embrace the art of cleavage the other 365 days of the year, but today is the day to be truly proud of the power you possess. Let those fuckers breathe, we won’t judge you. We’ll be too busy picking up our jaws from the floor to care.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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