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A Message From Jacob the Generic Rush Chair

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I just wanted to check in and give the active chapter a few things to think about during rush. Everyone thinks my job is to run around quoting Animal House and to get kids blackout drunk, but there’s another side. While the active chapter is ignoring rushees and grinding on ass conceived in the early 90s, I’ll be locking down 18 year-old dudes and entertaining future GDIs. Here are a few things I’d like to point out:

The fucking older guys don’t show up until the bars close.

Classic move, but here’s the thing: I know what you’re doing, and I don’t like it. I’m forced to be at this thing from start to finish. That includes the awkward first hour when the only people there are rushees and C teamers who don’t have anything else to do. More importantly, the only girls there at this point are groupie retreads who have had their dignity removed by multiple frat dongs. Have fun getting blackout at the bar and then showing up once it reaches rager status, assholes.

Taking advantage of the system rushee

You make my life miserable in many ways. It’s not enough that I’ve done everything outside of blowing you for the past 2 weeks, now you show up with your random sketchy friend from high school who has a better chance of getting a turd thrown in his face than he does getting a bid. Part of me wants to believe this is some type of psychological warfare and maybe you’re just testing me. Odds are you just roll with the occasional doucher and haven’t had the wonders of conformity instilled in you yet. I’ll let this slide once, but pull this shit again and I’m throwing the ball.

Hitting on Dudes

Let’s be honest, all we’re doing is blurring the lines of heterosexuality. Small talk, exchanging numbers, picking you up in the newly washed SUV that I don’t pay for, it’s all the same shit. Normally I’d be creeping around the dance floor with a semi looking to make a move. Instead, I’m sitting here on the front porch talking about your high school football career. Newsflash dickhead: nobody gives a shit that you caught two touchdowns against Southlake Carroll in a losing effort. In fact, this is a great way to get pawned off to an over-zealous C team active who really does want to get to know you.

Breaking Up the Package Deal

There’s always those two butt buddies that show up at everything together. They probably went to Hobby Lobby and purchased their togas together. Normally that’s great to see, but there’s a problem: one of them is possibly the biggest douche in the universe. Maybe they went to high school together, or maybe they met at orientation. Either way, they give off the vibe that says it’s all or nothing. You try to get him to take a hint by only communicating with the non mongoloid rushee, but this guy just doesn’t get it.

Rolling With the Face Guys

It’s never really talked about, but everyone knows what’s going on. The rush chair can’t just roll around with the B and C team. This will force me to handpick a squad based on social skills, wealth, and to some extent looks. Look I get it, it’s pretty gay. It may even be classified as super gay. But my job is to rush balls, and sometimes you have to indirectly tell one of your brothers that you think he’s one of the better looking dudes in the chapter in order to do that. Sue me.

I’m not asking for your sympathy, but I am asking for you to take a break from plowing hot ass so that you could maybe meet one or two rushees. Fuck it, I’ll be over here locking down a 5 star from Beaumont. Get laid for me.

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