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If You’re Living At Home
8am – Get woken up by mom.
9am-5pm – Go to internship. Not as bad as pledgeship, but they’re making you do an awful lot of work for $7.50 an hour.
5:30pm-7:30pm – Happy hour. See kids you went to high school with. Avoid conversation with kids you went to high school with.
7:45pm – Get yelled at by mom for being drunk at dinner. Attempt to subdue a shared smile with dad from across the table.
8pm-10pm – Watch a ballgame. Think about your next weekend visit to your college town.
10:30pm – Bedtime.
If You’re Living In a House In Your College Town
10am – Wake up in your living room surrounded by beer cans. Take swig from leftover Jack Daniels after checking bottle for cigarette butts.
10:30am – Shower and get ready for class. Text parents so they know you’re still alive and attending class for the most part.
11am – Class. Pair up with only hot girl in your class for group project. Put GDI in your group in charge of everything. Tell hot girl about your plans for the night.
1pm – Regret signing up for three-hour long summer classes.
2pm – Finally leave class. Grab late lunch on campus with older fraternity brother. Exchange hazing stories.
2:15-4pm – Naptime. Well, rub one out and then take a nap.
4:30pm – Start drinking. Head to neighborhood pool.
5pm – Chicken fights with babes. Get numbers. Invite babes back for beer pong at your house.
6pm – Realize you might have third degree burns on your shoulders. Whatever, it’ll be a tan in two days.
7pm – Hook up with babe from the pool.
8pm – Beer shower. Get dressed. Go commando because summer.
9pm – Head to buddy’s barbecue and keg party. Commandeer the iPod after two burgers.
9:30pm – Play ‘Carribean Queen’ by Billy Ocean six times.
10pm – You’re real loose and conversational. Head to the bars.
10:15pm – Door guy lets you in without checking your ID, considering you’ve come to this bar for the eighth consecutive night.
10:30pm-12am – Assert your dominance over the bar by ordering round after round of bombs. Pretty easy since you’re just one of 20 people drinking in the bar that night.
12:30am – See hot girl from class talking to member of rival fraternity. Sense of rage overcomes you. Get it together. Approach hot girl from class.
12:45am – Pry hot girl from class away from the rival house idiot after rival house idiot goes to the bathroom. Rookie mistake.
1am – Leave bar with hot girl from class. Shoot a casual wink to rival house idiot on your way out.
1:30am – Start making out with hot girl from class in living room. Try to take it upstairs, but hot girl from class “doesn’t want to make it weird.” Pretend to understand.
2am – Walk hot girl from class back to her house.
2:30am – Beers with the roommate.
3am – Sleep.
If You’re Living In Your Fraternity House
11am – Wake up in unoccupied room damn near frozen to death because you fell asleep underneath the AC vent.
11:15am – Shower. Step around various garbage piles in hallway and bathroom.
12pm – Will Smith’s “Summertime” blasting somewhere in the house. Seek out where the music is coming from.
12:05pm – Come to find the music is coming from first floor. Begin day drinking with people blasting music.
1pm – Grab lunch. Mexican. Set tee time at local public course.
2pm – Pow-wow with rush chair about upcoming rush events. Plan summer rush float trip. Remind rush chair to not invite the brother who pissed himself on the bus last year.
3pm – Load up the cooler and hit the links. Play nine holes.
4:30pm – Upset with your 43 on the front nine. Play the back nine.
6pm – Got drunk enough on the back nine to excuse your 48.
7pm – Head to rush dinner with rush chair and local kid at downtown steakhouse. Order enough apps and drinks to show the kid you mean business.
8pm – Start calling around to get a fake ID for the rushee. No dice. Settle on paying off the door guy.
9pm – Finally get the kid into the bar after some serious haggling with the bouncer. Kid did seem to be impressed with the dexterity of your negotiation.
10pm – Kid is officially shitfaced after only a few shots. The kid has potential, though. He’ll learn one day. Pass him off to the rush chair and take a lap around the bar.
12am – Now you’re officially shitfaced. Round up a group to break into the on-campus pool.
12:15am – Successfully break in to on-campus pool.
12:30am – Campus PD shows up. Scatter.
12:34am – You’re on the run with one of the many girls you broke into the pool with. Duck in between buildings as you avoid the overweight campus PD officer on your tail.
12:45am – Finally arrive at your fraternity house after losing the campus police. Hear music from the second floor.
12:50-2am – Shot party on the second floor. Set the tone by playing “Roll With It” by Steve Winwood.
2:15am – Sneak into unoccupied room with girl from the pool. Make out. Dry hump her leg.
2:30am – Make it back to your room.
2:45am – Put on “True” by Spandau Ballet. You are a master of seduction.
3am – Close the deal.
3:07am – Celebrate your personal stamina record with a mild fist pump while she goes to the bathroom.
3:10am – Get an earful from the girl about how disgusting your house is right now.
3:15am – Break your “no sleepover” rule after being unable to get hold of a taxi.
3:20am – She wants to go again.
3:35am – Another celebratory fist pump of shattering your recently set stamina record.
3:45am – Pretend to pay attention during pillow talk.
4am – Fall asleep.