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Trigger Warning: Writing this article triggered me, so it may trigger you as well (because it involves sensitive subject matter and it’s just a really shitty article). Here is a comprehensive list, in no particular order, of the most easily offended groups in America. I apologize if I forgot about your group and offended you.
Vegans can’t go 11 seconds without mentioning they’re a vegan. They’ll explode into a giant blast of kale and BuzzFeed articles. And they LOVE getting furious about meat eaters. If you bash vegans, they will come out of the woodwork and try to start a fight. Luckily they’re so physically weak you can just tap their shoulder and they’ll pass out.
Vegetarians are like slightly less annoying vegans. Only difference is they eat dairy so they still have a fair shot at getting fat. Just kidding. There are actually some fat vegans, too.
This one is obvious. I shouldn’t even be writing this article. I should be checking my cisgendered heteronormative white male identifying able-bodied privilege and doing my part to smash the patriarchy. Last week I sneezed and I had to apologize because sneezes are rape culture. Seriously, stop sneezing, you fucking misogynists.
Hardcore sports fans are the male version of hardcore feminists with how defensive and overzealous they are. I always lose track of if I’m supposed to hate Tom Brady or not. Seriously help me out. If I say the wrong opinion about any team or player, or spew an inaccurate stat about your pointless game, and a bunch of schlubby dudes with beer guts will show up at my house with baseball bats.
Comic book fans have become so cocky and snobby. Did they forget that we used to shove them into lockers back in the golden age? Damn, those were the days. Please tell an internet superhero geek that the Marvel movies are boring or that Batman v. Superman wasn’t even bad, and watch them explode in rage because they apparently forgot that vaginas exist.
All the fury about Colin Kaepernick is living proof of how easily offended we are. Don’t believe me? Watch how angry the comments are because I just defended Kaepernick. A bunch of hillbillies hanging their old ass confederate flags, crying a river like millennial feminists. “Don’t disrespect my country! Derp derp derp.”
White, Liberal College Girls
Nobody is more easily offended than rich, white, liberal college girls. They get offended on behalf of every other group. They think they’re social justice superheroes, standing up for every marginalized group by writing angry tweets and pretentious think pieces, when in reality they look like condescending fuckfaces.
You guys need to calm the hell down. Don’t worry, if I say something offensive, I’M the one going to hell. Not you.
Really Religious People
I’m looking at you, ISIS.
Atheists love making jokes about how religious people are too sensitive, but atheists are JUST as easily offended. It’s hilarious. Try bashing atheists or atheism and a bunch of butthurt neckbeard redditors will give pretentious speeches about how nothing is real and try to ruin every party they’re at.
This is weird. America has a huge obesity problem, but if we mention it then we’re fat-shaming. But guess what — some people are fat. Some people eat too damn much, look like giant bowling balls and don’t even know what the word treadmill means. If your freshman 15 turned into a freshman 500, you deserve to be shamed.
He’s such a pussy..