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A Letter to the TFM Reader, On The Eve of a New Year

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Dear Reader,

You’re welcome.

You’re welcome for a fantastic year of columns, videos, and podcasts. I couldn’t have done it without me.

When I started 2013, there was no way I could have anticipated the incredible amount of quality content I was going to produce. I can only begin to imagine the painful whiplash of “HOW DOES HE DO IT?”-double-takes you all experienced when, week after week, I gave you gold. Precious gold. Remember the “Greatest Sex Story Ever Told”? Ha. Yeah. That was awesome. Or how about the podcast I did with that one guy whose name I don’t remember? And what about the one with that other guy? And that girl I have on sometimes? Yeah, I was pretty great on those, too.

But I’m not the only guy at TFM who makes it happen. I’d be remiss not to mention that nerd that understands internets enough to post my brilliance for the world. Thanks to you, TFM Tech Guy, for putting down your Wookie fantasy porn long enough to give the world something they actually want, instead of your opinions on an Ant-Man movie. And of course, there’s my podcast producer who, when he’s not sucking off people who served Patton Oswalt a bagel once, converts me and my guests’ voices to digital reproductions. That’s an important job. And apparently there’s a guy who started this website? And a guy named Bacon? Good job. Great name. Keep up the good work. Oh, and to whoever keeps sending me the Rowdy Gentlemen gear, keep it coming. I prefer to wipe my ass with those wonderful soft blend shirts instead of “poor-person” paper. And those koozies are great for keeping the tip of my dick warm on cold winter nights.

And of course, as much as you all want to thank me, I really have to just turn around and thank God for giving me all this talent. Like a running back in the end zone, I point skyward and know that I’m far more important to You, my Lord, than entire nations in poverty, or women, or those gays.

But then there’s you: the reader. Without you, who would I write for? Well, probably someone else, because you can’t put a lampshade on a star, but that’s beside the point. You were there all the way cheering me on, probably thinking things like, “JTrain, how can you fuck my web browser so nice?” or “Did he just write another run on sentence without giving a fuck? Incredible!” Yes I did, and you know what? You guys aren’t such bad writers yourself! The comments section is almost interesting whenever I accidentally scroll my browser window down past my own words. How about this lovely bit of satire?

“This column is horse shit. And so is your podcast.” – Ol Red

Thanks, Ol Red. I’m sure everyone had a good chuckle at that absurdity. And then there’s this nugget:

“You are fuck.” – kennypowers3

Yes. Yes, I believe I am all that is Fuck. Thank you for that, Kennypowers3. Or one I see a lot is: “tl;dr” which – for those that are less-than-internet-savvy – stands for “Thank Lord; Dick Ready,” meaning my columns are the only thing that gets some people to achieve an erection anymore. Pretty normal, actually, based on how often that comment pops up. That’s great guys, thanks for sharing.

Anyway, 2013…what a year! And if there’s one resolution I have for 2014, it’s to keep the hits coming. So keep your bottle of moisturizer on standby, because you’ll be able to “Thank Lord” that your “Dick Ready” well into the foreseeable future.

Jared “@J-Train56 On Twitter” Freid



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Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a New York City-based comedian who has been featured on MTV’s Failosophy and is the host of The JTrain Podcast presented by TFM.

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