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I spent six glorious years as an intoxicated undergrad, and it’s time to pass down some of the drunken wisdom that I’ve acquired along the way. If you have your heart set on being a lawyer, a doctor, or a fucking astronaut, this article probably isn’t for you. You know what you want to be, and you’re a lucky dick for it. Go be successful and leave me alone to drink and figure out my life before some form of withering cancer inevitably sets in.
This article is for the indecisive undergrads that don’t necessarily know what they want to do with their lives. I was once one of you, and living without a care in the world was awesome for a long time. I partied my balls off with no regard for past, present, or future. Especially the future. College seemed timeless. The parties lasted forever, classes came and went, and all the sluts were easy. But as your life flies by and graduation looms on the horizon, reality sets in and you’re forced to figure your shit out. You’ll have to pick something random or flunk out, like millions of useless turds before you.
For me, failure was not an option. I came from a long pedigree of successful alcoholics, and I wasn’t about to bring immeasurable shame to my family name. After all, unless you’re trying to be a nuclear physicist, college is pretty damn easy. If you’re a liberal arts or business admin major and college is “hard” for you, you’re either autistic or you drink waaaaay too much. Either way, I commend your efforts.
Lesson 1: Don’t declare shit.
I know the academic Nazis will immediately try to force you to choose a major, but the dark secret of college is that you don’t have to pick shit. Go with undecided or an exploratory major if you don’t know what you want to do. The key here is that you want to buy as much time as possible. If you graduate in four years or less, I feel sorry for you. You could have milked it for so much longer. Adopt the “you can always retake a class but you can’t retake an awesome party” mentality.
I changed my major three times. As long as you stay on top of the critical tracking, it doesn’t matter if you pick Arbor Studies, Physics, etc. Pick something that interests you and change it as soon as you get bored. Drag your feet. Trust me. Stay in college as long as you can. College is fucking awesome, and believe me…the “real” world sucks balls.
Lesson 2. Get good at fucking.
This happened to me naturally, because I started dating the first girl I fucked during freshman preview. Some people look down on girlfriends in college, but unless you had a long-term fuck buddy in high school, they are invaluable. I dated that chick for most of my freshman year, which some people think was a waste, but I mean, I fucked her like a thousand times. It was worth it. Get a practice pussy. You will learn skills that you can only learn through lots of experience. Guys that only go for one-night stands usually suck at sex. The problem with college, and especially with sororities, is that all the bitches are best friends. If you have one drunken night with some slut and you are terrible in bed, ALL of her friends are going to know about it the next day. I’ve seen too many friends black balled from entire sororities because they blew their load too quickly.
If you’re a sexpert, bitches talk about it. It’s crazy how many people are terrible at fucking. If you put the effort into it, the word spreads. You want to be known as “the best sex I’ve ever had” not “Quick Nut McDraw.” Trust me. That shit sells better than AIDS tests in Africa. Before you know it, girls will be talking about you because they heard some dumb shit from some dumb skeeze. Reputation is everything.
Lesson 3. Excel at extra curricular activities.
I’m not talking about stupid ass school activities. It’s cool if you play soccer, basketball, or football. More power to you. Those things are fun, and keep you in shape. What I’m talking about are activities that the school can’t offer you. Who cares if you graduated magna cum laude of bullshit? Being a master of beer pong will get you much further in life. My boss recently made the mistake of challenging me to pong. He knew that my grades were good, but he didn’t know I was a lifetime member of the beer pong school of excellence. Being a badass at drinking games is far more valuable than an education. Drinking games are the new golf.
Lesson 4. The world is made of people.
The most important thing you can take from this column is that it doesn’t matter what you know, it matters who you know. Meet people. Remember their names. Connections define reality. Utilize your fraternity’s alumni. They are getting shit done in the world, and they know what it’s like to be you. I know plenty of over qualified assholes with dead end jobs, and I know plenty of retards with connections in powerful places. The key is to know people. If you know the right guy, you get the right job. If you don’t know anyone, then yes, I will biggie size my fries, you useless peon.
Enough lessons for now. Maybe if I get drunk enough, I’ll bestow more wisdom. If not, remember that if you’re good at drinking, fucking, and networking, you’ll be fine.