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Dear esteemed brothers of the ____ chapter of the honorable and sacred ____ fraternity,
First and foremost, I’d like to say thank you again for this wonderful opportunity to lead my pledge class through the trials and tribulation required of future members of this sacred chapter. Though the semester has certainly had its ups and downs, and we have lost a few weaker souls along the way, I feel that now, in week six of our pledgeship, we are truly ready to prove ourselves to the brotherhood.
I understand that we, as mere pledges, have yet to earn the full benefits of membership in this house, but I have to ask that we at least be shown with a miniscule shred of respect. Seeing four of my pledge brothers surrounded by a circle of taunting whilst each chugs a lukewarm gallon of milk as fast as their chortling stomachs would allow was more than a little unsettling. Is this what it takes to become a brother in your house? Developing a lactose proof stomach of impenetrable steel? Do some of the brothers have some type of sick vomit fetish only quelled when an ignorant freshman expels his intestinal contents on the floor in a fruitless attempt to earn respect?
Even if we disregard the milk chuggage as mere immaturity, there are countless other cases of disrespect and lack of human decency that leave me concerned. Is it so much trouble to place your weary feet upon the floor instead of relying on an “Ottoman pledge” every time you wish to relax? You do realize that most establishments offer a delivery service for a modest fee, and that sending a hoard of pledges to satiate your late night hunger is not only unnecessary, but unethical. And for the love of all things holy, how do you honestly expect us to faithfully create a 60-second interpretive dance montage on the highlights of Nicolas Cage’s career?
It’s not even the bulk of pledgeship that is causing me this distress. I understand that you have certain membership requirements, and if we as a pledge class do not perform up to your expectations that remedial action is justified. I am more than willing to jog however many miles, and squat upon a wall however many hours, are needed to elevate myself and my peers to full brother status. I am sure that year after year pledge classes have faced the same trials, and all have persevered through adversity. However, I highly doubt that every class before us has been forced to translate the entirety of the pledge manual into Spanish, German, Latin, and Cantonese by hand. Have you ever tried to translate Cantonese? You guys could have at least given an Asian kid a bid to help us out.
All I’m saying is maybe you guys could tie your own shoes, at least every once in awhile. I’ve seen American Pie: Beta House, so I like to think I know what I’m talking about. You’re our best friends through rush, and then we’re your bitches the moment pledgeship begins. A pledge is not a slave, nor is he a clown, and I implore you, the brotherhood, to lighten up as we desperately try to conform to your every whim. I’ll keep my eyes on the ceiling as long as you ask, but don’t expect me to coddle your testicles like a drunken schoolgirl.
PS: Why exactly did you tell us to bring a “Large Cucumber (extra girth preferred)” to our development meeting tomorrow night? I’m not going to lie, it’s making my pledge class more than a little uncomfortable.