NEW TFM Videos Section

Watch thousands of hilarious videos from college campuses across the country.

Watch Now

A Guideline To Strippers Based On Names

======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====

Screen Shot 2014-02-05 at 11.34.53 AM

Sometimes special events happen that require the “talents” of strippers. Fortunately for you, there’s a guideline for how to determine what kind of stripper you’re going to get based on her name.

Candi, Brandi, Tiffani, Stormi

There are very few certainties in life, but one is that if a girl has a name that ends with “i,” she is a stripper–or at least she will dabble with it at some point in her life. If you’re reaching to find a stripper with one of these names, you’ve hit rock bottom with your stripper search. Although there are a few diamonds in the rough, most of the strippers with these names are probably missing quite a few teeth and they might be old enough to start getting retirement checks. The only up side to getting one of these girls is that they are true professionals and will make your night absolutely crazy.

Sapphire, Ruby, Topaz

Much like their names suggest, they’re the gems of the stripping world. They were blessed with chest cannons that could rival the 16th century Spanish Armada, but instead of using their special traits to be in magazines or to be sports reporters, they chose the illustrious career of stripping. You will be glad that they chose to become strippers because the combination of their assets and their ability to work a crowd will make you understand why they have the names they do.

Daisy, Violet

These girls’ names make you expect something nice and delicate, like a flower. But you’re wrong. These girls are the ones who are lined up and down with tattoos. They might even have a sleeve of tattoos that are all flowers. Although they’re probably closer to your age than any of the other strippers on this list, they’re probably the most likely to be the ones with GonasyphaherpalAIDS. This might seem like a good name to go with at the time, but unless you want your pledges to contract some incurable, crusty disease, you should avoid these girls.

April, June, August

In good faith, I have to say that I’ve never met a stripper with any of these names. But I did meet a hooker in Las Vegas that tried to lure me into letting her give me a “back massage.” Her name was April, so I’m sure there are strippers out there with one of these names. If Hooker April gives you any insight into what a stripper version might be like, she’s a classy lady. The fur coat on this woman made Broadway Joe’s look like it was straight out of Macklemore’s Thrift Shop. So if you’re lucky enough to get a stripper who’s named after a month, she’s probably going to make whatever you’re doing a hell of a lot classier.

Of course you’re going to find strippers who have other names, but it’s good to have an idea of what you’re investing in–you don’t want to end up in a situation with strippers who look like they should be hanging out behind an Alabama Walmart.

Email this to a friend


Is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. Spends his spare time drinking Smirnoff Ices on the rocks, while listening to mixed CDs of Nickelback, Creed, and Lifehouse.

12 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

Download Our App

Take TFM with you. Get

The Feed