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A Guide To Eskimo Brother Etiquette

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Once again, Hollywood is full of shit. Despite what shows like “The League” may imply, there is no special relationship between Eskimo brothers. There is no bond, and there is no feeling of brotherhood based on an instance of fraternal fornication. If anything, we would all prefer to not know who any of our Eskimo brothers are, but at some point, it is bound to happen. It could be a friend, a brother, an acquaintance, a total stranger you meet randomly at a bar, or all of the above, but at one point or another, you will meet someone who has dipped his chip in the same bowl of queso as you. If you have already met one of your Eskimo brothers, you know exactly what I mean. However, although most of us don’t really take the douche route and define ourselves as gentlemen, we should still expect ourselves to have more class than the common rabble, and because of this, we need to abide by some code of etiquette when encountering an Eskimo brother.

First of all, unless said Eskimo brother is a guy who a girlfriend of yours cheated with, there is no reason to be pissed off or upset about it. As much as we like to think we’ve planted our flag and gained exclusive rights to go spelunking in a girl’s cave of wonders, she’s probably going to sleep with other guys. He likely had no idea that you nailed her, either. His slam session could have been weeks or even months apart from your between the sheets rumble in the jungle with said female. Keep it civil. Shit happens and legs get spread all the time.

Second, there is no need to go into detail. You guys aren’t going to bond over agreeing how great her blow jobs are or what her favorite position is unless it’s a very, very close friend and you can both make fun of her quirks, fetishes, and sexual preferences. Generally speaking, ignorance is bliss. Do you really want to find out she let him in the back door after telling you it was an exit only? I don’t need someone else to chew out in my life. And as funny looking as you think her O-face is, he may not share the sentiment. The most dialogue necessary upon finding out an individual is your Eskimo brother is, “Oh, okay.” Keep it simple, stupid.

Third, the only time to let the new guy she’s sleeping with know that you guys are Eskimo brothers is if he is being a major asshole or if she is being a major bitch. If that is the case, feel free to not hold back on the explicit details of you stuffing your beef into her pink taco. Let them squirm. However, if there’s no conflict, keep it to yourself, or if he already knows, don’t bring it up. It’s common courtesy. Would you want her telling the girl you’re currently sleeping with all the crazy shit you two did together? No way. Well, unless your current girl is the jealous type to the point where she’ll give you an anything goes night if she so much as sees a girl smile at you. Even butt stuff.

Fourth, if you are not currently sleeping with her, don’t pursue a booty call with her in front of him. There’s no need to try to establish dominance or possession here; you’ve both hiked that trail right up to the summit and all the way down her leg. She’ll probably piss herself anyway if she sees you two chatting it up (because girls don’t poop, obviously). If you’re going to try to get back in that, do it on your own time. It avoids unnecessary confrontation, and it’s less likely to backfire. If she sleeps with him instead of you out of spite, you’ll feel like a real idiot.

Finally, don’t let the fact that you both nailed the same girl change your opinion of him one way or the other. Just write it off. If he’s a good dude, you shouldn’t punish him because one night she picked him to fix her plumbing. If he’s a loser, you shouldn’t give him points because he played in your league. Richard Sherman and Michael Crabtree play in the same league and we saw how that went down–it ended up with Sherman doing commercials. Horrifying. Treat him like you normally would, because at the end of the day, there are probably scores of guys walking around who you don’t even know about who have done the twat tickle tango with one of the women you’ve nailed.

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