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A Gentleman’s Guide To Riding Out A Hurricane

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A few months ago, I was woken up at an ungodly hour of the morning by my iPhone screaming like a banshee on crack. Apparently there was a tornado in the area so it sent out one of those “emergency area alerts.” No tornado ever came that day and that was a good thing. I’m from Jersey, not Wizard of Oz land Kansas. We don’t do tornadoes here. Come to think of it, we don’t really do extreme weather. Driving on the turnpike is bad enough; it’s straight impossible when it rains. We did have to deal with extreme weather once, Hurricane Sandy, and it wasn’t fun.

Let me tell you, they say karma’s a bitch, but she’s got nothing on Sandy. Everyone underestimated that storm because, let’s be honest, if you name a storm after the cartoon squirrel from Spongebob no one is going to take it seriously. Sandy felt like the rest of the country’s revenge on New Jersey for Jersey Shore and Chris Christie. I knew all other 49 states hated us but Mother Nature? I thought we were cool!

I wasn’t in college yet when that bitch named Sandy struck and stole a t-shirt from us the morning after, but I do know people who did. After listening to them, and doing a little collaborating with Booga Suga here at TFM, we’ve compiled the ultimate gentleman’s list to surviving a hurricane:

1. Go to the liquor store. Depending on the severity of the storm, the quality of alcohol you get will fluctuate. If it’s a tropical storm, stick with Natty Light. Category one means you can go up to Keystone. Category two brings you up to Miller Lite. Category three means Coors Light. Category four finally brings you to Bud Light. If it breaks category five, get foreign beer. Go ahead and splurge with a few Coronas. The same rule DOES NOT apply to boxed wine. Stock up on copious amounts of boxed wine (you’ll see why in Step #3).

2. Buy recreational drugs. Same rule for beer applies: The worse the storm, the better the drugs. Tropical storm sticks with weed, whereas category five bumps it up to cocaine.

3. Go to the nearest sorority house. Convince them to shelter with you by telling them your house has a better foundation and is more structurally sound. They’ll most likely greatly appreciate the gesture and agree. Boom, your hurricane shelter just became a mixer.

4. Follow up to Step Three: Pick one girl from the sorority to try to woo over and shack up with. If the electricity goes out, you’re going to need someone to keep you company for the next few days.

5. If the electricity goes out, make sure you at least have a generator to keep the music system and a keg refrigerator going. Priorities.

6. Rent all eight seasons of Entourage. Play them on loop until the hurricane leaves. Even if no one is watching them, at least one television set in the house must always be set to Entourage.

7. Interrupt the Entourage marathon to occasionally check for weather updates. Make sure these updates come exclusively from Fox News. You don’t want that liberal biased weather news from MSNBC. Just don’t listen to anything Ann Coulter says about hurricanes.

8. If any GDIs attempt to enter the house during a hurricane, Joel Osteen them immediately.

9. In case of flooding, have one member borrow his dad’s boat. If flooding occurs, drive said boat around campus ala booze cruise style. If a boat is not an option, get a few umbrellas and boogie boards and create makeshift windsurfers. Note: Jet skis are also acceptable in this situation.

10. Once the storm ends, escort the said sorority girls you’ve had the privilege, and torture, of spending the past few days with back home. Once your chapter is reassembled, start chanting “STRONGER THAN THE STORM” like post-Sandy Chris Christie style.

I am 1000% not a meteorologist, so take these with a grain of salt. In fact, if you actually seriously follow these rules in the event of a hurricane you’re most likely both and idiot and someone I’d like to party with at the same time. These rules, however, can be amended and applied to all natural disasters.

All jokes aside, here’s to hoping everyone stays safe out there. Our prayers, thoughts, and donations are with Houston and those affected by Harvey and Irma. If you or any of your chapters can help out, either financially or through volunteer work, I highly recommend you do. It would do a world of good and mean more to someone who needs the help than you could possibly imagine.

Image via Shutterstock

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Previously known for being the 4th best improv comedian in the state of New Jersey, he enjoyed a brief career in politics by serving on his fraternity's eboard until a scandal not as bad as the Lewinsky scandal, but more memorable than Whitewater lead to his resignation. Now, he spends his time making God awful jokes in chapter meetings, rooting for a shitty New Jersey hockey team, and serving on the congressional committee set to determine whether Oprah Winfrey should be classified as a cult or a religion.

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