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A Dislike Button Won’t Make You Happier

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I dislike so many things on Facebook that I’m more shocked when I actually like something. I dislike your status update about “Thirsty Thursday.” I dislike the picture of you and your mom that has the emoji twins as the caption. I dislike the engagement picture of you skipping on the beach, a moment of happiness that is literally nonexistent on this Earth. I dislike when you start a status update with, “I usually don’t post on here..” as if this opinion is somehow more worthy than the others. I dislike your views on gay marriage (both pro and anti). I dislike when you Throwback Thursday to your wedding from last week (Did you not receive enough likes the past 6 months?). I dislike your post about what Coca Cola does to my body (I thought it gave me abs). I dislike how many miles you just ran (Not enough). I dislike the marathon you’re going to run. I dislike your semi-vague posts about how “Today will be better.” I dislike your fan page (that’s how Kanye started). I dislike your status that’s just the title of a show you’re watching with an exclamation point because it had a crazy ending. I dislike your new hairstyle, your new job, your new car, your new house, your new everything. I dislike your old mom, your old dad, your even older grandparents, and your old body that you use for #fitspo. I dislike anyone who commented on any of the posts I just mentioned.

I’ve been hearing people rattle the cages for years about a dislike button and I just don’t get it. Like that’s going to help anything? As if your family member that posts a million different opinions a day is suddenly going to get it. Don’t you see that someone who thinks they have a knowledgeable opinion on the Constitution and Game Of Thrones and child vaccinations is already so whacked that your “dislike” will only push them farther? In what world do you dislike someone’s 10,000th Dubsmash video and they start looking inward? There’s now way they’ll start thinking, “Ugh, you’re right, my facial expressions are ugly and I’m not that funny.” Instead, they will lash out. They will post more videos and crappy opinions in spite of their dislikers.

Take a look at the e-cigarette people. They walk around puffing with such enthusiasm you’d think they owned the e-cigarette patent. They look like Sultans at a turkish bazaar. That didn’t just happen. They didn’t just decide to look like a group of Jersey Shore Kenny G’s. They didn’t hold a conference call where they demanded that everyone blow their smoke in people’s faces like an obnoxious uncle that just burped up hotdog. It’s classic cause and effect. Those e-cig people were once smokers and we abused them for years. We kicked them out of restaurants. Threw them out of buildings. Put them in designated airport areas. Hell, if someone smokes outside in the general vicinity of a doorway my mom will yell “It’s smokey ughhh” just so they can hear it. They’re as close to an oppressed race that we have left (#smokerslivesmatter) and the e-cigarette is their chance for a giant fuck off written in smoke.

Your least favorite Facebook friend will just become the e-cigarette smoker who hotboxes a kid’s first birthday party. Your dislike of an Ex’s new relationship status will only make his new girlfriend post more pictures of them together and his smile will be because he’s now positive that two girls want to have sex with him. Your dislike of a friend’s status update that understands where Kim Davis is coming from, will only post more pictures of Kim Davis (neither side wants that). Your dislike of a 10,000th baby picture will only say, “I hate babies” when you only meant to hate that baby’s mom. Your dislike won’t extinguish, it will inflame. More opinions, more pictures, more grabs for likes, and more fuck-you posts. They won’t be posting for the group they think they represent, they’ll be posting to prove their opposition wrong. And you’ll soon realize that simply not liking a post was the best dislike of them all.

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Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a New York City-based comedian who has been featured on MTV’s Failosophy and is the host of The JTrain Podcast presented by TFM.

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