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Hello. For those of you who don’t know me (a position I sometimes wish I was in because of my deeply-rooted self-esteem issues) I’m the DeVry Guy and I’m a full-time summer intern here at TFM.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret–it’s really not that hard to get an internship here if you know what you’re doing. I definitely did not use this method; I’m just pulling an O.J. and telling you that if I was going to do it (which I don’t have to, due to the fact that I’m already here by a method that was definitely not the following) this is what I’d do.
First, you have to be outside of TFM Headquarters on the day the summer interns start working. I might suggest waiting in a car that has air conditioning, because Texas summers can get pretty hot. The air conditioning broke in my ’04 PT Cruiser and it gets really hot (almost as hot as the girls get when they catch me ghost riding the whip in the PT Cruise). Then, all you have to do is wait for the first intern that they actually hired to show up and Tanya Harding him with a long, blunt object–my Uncle Keith’s peg leg works just fine if you can get him to lend it to you. (Again, I wouldn’t know from experience. I’m just spitballing here.) Finally, make sure you have room in your car’s trunk to hide the body before you cruise into HQ pretending to be the poor schmuck. You’ll need a trunk a little bit bigger than a PT Cruiser’s so that you can avoid having to slap some sunglasses on him and “Weekend At Bernie’s” him back to
my YOUR apartment.
Anyway, if you think an internship here at TFM sounds appealing, this column will be of interest to you. I’m going to give you a timeline of just what goes down on a normal day when you work 9 to 6, Monday through Friday as a summer intern at Total Frat Move.
NOTICE: Your day may vary.
6:45 a.m.: Wake up very confused in bed next to a wombat after a night out at the bars on Dirty Sixth with Bacon.
6:46 a.m.: Get dressed. Choose to disregard mandatory intern attire in order to raise awareness of #KONY2012. Bacon and Dorn will surely understand.
6:48 a.m.: Cook breakfast for yourself and wombat.
6:54 a.m.: Notice zoo tweeted out that one of its wombats is missing during your morning scroll through Twitter.
7:05 a.m.: Get in PT Cruiser with wombat.
7:20 a.m.: Drive by zoo. Toss wombat out window.
7:30 a.m.: Just barely make it to work on time. The day starts at 9, but Dorn insists you be there by 7:30 to wait outside and hold the door for him when he arrives around 9.
8:58 a.m.: Dorn arrives. Hold door open for him. He flicks you off and you thank him for letting you hold the door open for him.
9:05 a.m.: Morning lineup. Bacon and Dorn do not approve of you going against intern attire. Dorn punches you in the kidneys as he screams that Kony will never be found. Bacon goes off on a 20-minute rant about why Birkenstocks are the worst shoes in existence.
9:30 a.m.: When Bacon finishes his rant, you explain that Birkenstocks offer very good arch support.
9:31 a.m.: Bacon says, “Fuck arch support!” He makes you wear shoes of his own creation for the rest of the day. They’re just two napkins taped to each foot.
9:55 a.m.: Make coffee for Bacon and Dorn. Dorn makes you use your hands instead of a coffee pot because he thinks the glass makes the coffee taste weird.
10:20 a.m.: Caddie Bacon and Dorn’s morning round of Golden Tee.
11:05 a.m.: Entertain Bacon and Dorn by using lewd pickup lines they write for you on the female interns. They don’t work.
11:20 a.m.: Meet with Blake in HR to discuss litigation arising from sexual harassment complaints from the female interns.
11:50 a.m.: Write a news piece. Make numerous jokes about being bad with girls. People think you’re kidding. You’re not.
12:45 p.m.: Ask Dorn if he wants to get lunch with you.
12:46 p.m.: Go get lunch alone.
1:30 p.m.: Get back to office with a stomach full of your favorite meal, gefilte fish.
1:31 p.m.: Calisthenics with Dorn: jumping fracks (frat jumping jacks), burpees (he repeatedly burps into your face), and his signature hazing technique, nose and toes.
2:34 p.m.: Bacon makes you bong maple syrup. He begins pouring it down the tube.
2:45 p.m.: The maple syrup finally trickles all the way down the tube. You chug it.
3:00 p.m.: Be the ball boy for Bacon and Dorn’s daily ping pong match.
3:38 p.m.: Ask for permission to use the bathroom.
3:39 p.m.: Go cry in bathroom.
3:42 p.m.: Get in trouble because people saw the tissues and thought you were masturbating in the bathroom.
3:45 p.m.: Be Dorn’s ottoman for one hour.
4:45 p.m.: Intern task, which varies by day. Today’s is to see how many paper clips you can fit into a wall socket.
5:15 p.m.: Wake up. Report to Bacon that you could fit one paper clip into the wall socket.
5:16 p.m.: Sit in cubicle quietly hoping to avoid any further hazing.
5:17 p.m.: Alcohol hazing. Make you drink so much that you need to take a cab home because you’re too drunk to drive and they “won’t have any drunk driving fucks at their organization.”
5:45 p.m.: Call an Uber.
6:08 p.m.: Bacon gives Uber driver directions to your house for you because you are incoherent.
6:34 p.m.: Arrive at location Bacon gave Uber driver. It’s the zoo.
6:39 p.m.: Drunkenly stumble into wombat enclosure.
6:45 p.m.: Pass out next to your only friend in Austin, the wombat.
6:25 a.m.: Wake up next to a wombat corpse that’s soaked in your own tears. Quickly deduce that you hugged the wombat to death in a fit of drunken loneliness. Flee. Now, repeat previous day.